Desperate Housewives

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DeAnn Welker: A | Grade It Now!
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Sex, Lies and Videotape

The whole Solis family's in one room of Mrs. H's house watching Surf's Up when Mrs. H walks in to see if they needed anything. But then she pretends to really be into animated movies and sits on the end of the bed to watch. When Gaby tells her she can't see through her back, Mrs. H apologizes and -- I kid you not -- crawls right into bed with Carlos and Gaby. Right under the covers and everything. It's completely bizarre, and Carlos whispers to Gaby, "Did she just crawl...?" Gaby says, "Oh, yeah." And Mrs. H claps and laughs at the TV.

Susan's getting drunk as she regales Jackson with ridiculous stories of stuffing her bra right before she got real boobs and then was voted prom queen. Jackson offers to refill her drink, and while he's up he turns on some sexy music. She sees what he's up to and tells him to cool it, because there's no sex until the fourth date. He tells her she just looks so hot in these pants and her hair smells good and then he gets desperate and says, "Look, I made you dinner, come on!" Like a little boy not getting his way. He braised beef and everything. She's very sad he only braised it to "boink" her. And I am very sad she used the word "boink." She wants to get to know each other better, but he's not sure that knowing she was sent to a therapist in the fifth grade for chewing her hair is helping their relationship. She doesn't like him making light of something that was so hard to share, so she leaves. Instead of what she was going to do: let him feel her up over her blouse. As she leaves, he rolls his eyes and falls back on the couch, and I can't help thinking he is just so much too good for her. I guess love is blind, though, because he is actually thinking that he'll run into his painting room and start painting again. Oh, and I'm glad he isn't realizing he's too good for her, because he needs to stay on this show so that I can see him every week. I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels this way. [Eh. - Z]

Some sort of generic parents' meeting in a generic school library. Anne Schilling is looking for volunteers to help her chaperone the junior prom. But with chaperones like Anne, who needs statutory rapists? Nobody volunteers to help Anne, so she stands up to make a plea. She tells them how important this is, because if parents don't keep an eye on the children, they're sure to get in trouble. Lynette can't stand it and gets up and walks to the bathroom. Anne comes in a little later and tries to make small talk. Lynette's clearly too disgusted to even pretend interest, and then Anne asks how the family is and Lynette throws her into the metal paper towel holder. It's awesome and looks painful, and I really hoped it would leave a dent, but it doesn't. Anne apologizes, but adds that she loves Porter. Lynette slaps her and tells her that she loves him, too, and if Anne ever touches him again, she'll find out just how much. Then Lynette leaves the bathroom, leaving her purse on the counter, which frustrates me. I'm sure she went back to collect it later, right?

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Desperate Housewives

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