Previously on Desperate Housewives: Scavos are on the rocks (no twist, really), Mike got hit-and-runnethed into a coma while on his way to propose to Susan, who meanwhile sat waiting for him in front of her RV and packing his voicemail with an increasingly needy series of messages, and Carlos wants babies (see: all of Seasons 1 and 2).
And hit it, MAVO! We start off the penultimate episode of Season 3 by taking at closer look at the reunited Mike and Susan. Does it feel so good? "Exactly one year had passed since the night Mike Delfino and Susan Mayer were supposed to get engaged," MAVO tells us. Susan, looking dazzlicious in a metallic sequined top and a much-needed layer of sandwiches on her Skeletor frame, sits at the table with Mike, looking love-stoned and expectant. According to MAVO, "she just knew he was going to pop the question." So Susan expects a proposal, even though they only re-re-re-got back together four seconds ago? And just five seconds ago, she was engaged to another man? An Englishman? Though I guess I have no right to be surprised; I've lost track of how many times Mike and Susan have reunited, but each time it happens, she is always completely, insanely gung-ho to bypass over the fun getting-reacquainted stuff to skip right to the commitment (be it moving in together after just two days of dating, or getting back together and then talking marriage over the span of just one two-hour Season Finale). What's the big, heated, 1950s-style rush here?
So dinner with Mike and Susan plays out in a montage of Susan repeatedly getting her proposal hopes raised and dashed: Mike bends to one knee...! But only so he can tie his shoe (which I've never, ever seen someone do in the middle of a meal, what the hell?). A fiddle-player comes by to pluck on Susan's heartstrings, and Mike reaches into his inner coat pocket...! And pulls out a tip for the violinist. A crème brûlée is delivered to the table under a titillating silver dome (also something I've never actually seen, a dome placed over something not being delivered to your hotel room and over something that doesn't need to be kept warm?), and Mike smiles at reaches over for the big reveal...! But there's nothing inside but the dessert, surrounded by a weirdly pathetic display of wilted mint leaves and random piles of berries that look like a deer came by and shot out a wad of pellets right onto the plate. You'd think that, after watching Edie sit through her own ring-hopeful dinner with Karl, the one that ended with her clawing apart a perfectly perfect soufflé, Susan would know that to assume when it comes to a ring, only makes an ass out of Susan and, well, Susan. By the end of the meal, Susan is sullen and surly and altogether an archetype of the kind of person you would never, ever want to marry. She even goes so far as to yell at Mike, on their ride home, for daring not to propose to her today, of all days, the anniversary of their almost-engagement! Mike: "Why would I want to commemorate the anniversary of the night some maniac put me in a coma?" Susan continues to whine and moan and bitch, until they pull up in front of the house, and there is the RV, all done up in Christmas lights just like it was at the same time last year. Now where did that come from? No, seriously, where has the RV been stored all this time? And how has Mike managed to get his hands on it? And who laid out the table and poured out the wine and lit the candles? And why would they even want to sit down to an open-air picnic dinner after eating a big, fancy meal? And why does Mike even want to marry this shrill, demanding woman? It's not too late, Mike! Save yourself! Just tell Susan that the amnesia's come back, and then put that truck into overdrive and get yourself out of Fairview -- you're still packed, right?