Things Lynette Scavo has been doing, in her non-stop quest to out-asshead her husband: The Old Sprinkler-System Swizzler, the Old Salt-In-The-Coffee Swindle, the Broken La-Z-Boy Legerdemain, and that classic, the Old Dropped-Keys/Split-Pants Double Bunko Scam. Points scored: Negatory. Grow up, Lynette. This is not how we do.
After Tom sighs in relief that he wasn't going commando -- which, when he heard his pants ripping he probably assumed that was why, because I don't know if you've heard, but in addition to his visibly awesome ass he also has a storied junk hugeness -- Renee tries to explain to her that trying to kill her husband through the Death Of A Thousand Childish Pranks is, while hilarious because Tom sucks, also immature and unsatisfying. Lynette says nothing could be further from the truth, because she is a sour old goat with a worn-out birth canal and a gross baby-man for a husband. Renee promises not to tell -- so of course she is immediately going to tell, probably in a creepster way -- and then Tom comes flying down the stairs onto that very same perfect ass. The Old Skippy-On-The-Steps Stingaroony.
Mary Alice would like to do her traditional thing of reminding you what an asshole she is, and then tryna implicate you into feeling like you're somehow also part of her shitty right-wing selfish suburban weltanschaung: "We pass by these people every day. We sense their isolation. But we just keep walking, telling ourselves there's nothing we can do to help... Which we know is a lie."
Um, what? Who does that? Like there are homeless people in Fairview, besides Susan Delfino most of the time. Well, here's who does that: The Other Gay One, who ignores the suicidal girl standing on the sidewalk outside his house apparently every day. With her long dry locks and her arms full of library books she knows won't chase the pain away. Carlos ignores Wisteria's tragic postal worker, a part-turtle/part-Asian fellow who looks to be about seventy. Everybody ignores Beth Young, because she is fucked-up looking.
But especially Bree, even at church, so Reverend would like to butter her up to make a friend with a sadsack parishioner. Bree's up for it -- what else has she got going on, besides that eternal poetic struggle between coq au vin and Sloppy Joe -- until she sees where he's looking, and then it's a rigid about-face. "I'm happy to help... Unless you're talking about Beth Young, in which case I'd rather shave my head and join the Hare Krishnas." I will pay this show one thousand dollars if that happens. Then she can come back to her senses, and start wearing a wig, and then you know what happens next?