Desperate Housewives

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 1 USERS: A+
Skeletor Rigby

Beth heads off to call the police about the randomly appearing guns, and later that night Bree still can't stop fuming about Beth and how she tried to be nice and what does that get you and that's the last time she's going to listen to a priest and whatever, and the whole time Keith is doing a fairly shitty job of pretending he's really horny, and then she thanks him for the bouquet... But Keith did not send the bouquet.

Duh. If Keith were going to give you flowers, he would pull them up by the roots, out of the yard where he just planted them earlier today, and bring them in spilling soil all over your white carpets. And if you even winced about, that he would move his shit out of the house right then, throwing yet another tantrum about ageism and classism and God knows what else, and then you'd have to think of a fourth way of telling him your relationship was real, which is getting harder, because it totally isn't.

And then maybe he'd finally ask the question that you've been dreading all along: What is menopause, in actuality? All 37-year-old men have to find out eventually, that's just the Circle of Life. And also of Menses. And then, oh brother that would be it: Me, my tattoos, my stupid gay Caesar haircut on a 40-year-old: Audi 5000. And you'd have to be like, "Hey, trashy-looking daughter, are you by any chance pregnant and I could pretend to be pregnant and have your baby like last time? Only I would keep it?" Yes. For some Twizzlers and a ticket to Ibiza when it's over, yes.

But then Andrew would get all jealous, because he and the dentist or whatever just adopted their baby, a fifteen-year-old Samoan boy whom they're going to name either "Colby Keller" or "The Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills" depending on who wins the coin toss. And then on the big day, Keith would be so proud, so overjoyed, that he wouldn't even wonder why the baby looks so much like Malcolm Jamal Warner, and if he ever does ask Bree can just rub his tummy and say, "Because you never go back." And Keith will think this is a poem, like Wordsworth or something, and that she's making a joke about his education and then the whole. Damn. Thing. Again.

Anyway, the flower guy was Zach Young.

Next week: Shenanigans, but probably no Zana for a while, although with his enormous child-penis we'll probably hear him coming long before we see him. I can wait, especially since the Solizes will be experiencing yet more bad luck involving a car. You know honestly, at this point they should just start biking around Fairview because every episode, somebody gets pulled over and dragged out of the country, or glass is shattered on little girls, or somebody gets carjacked. I don't understand what it is with those two. In other news, Keith's into black girls, Gabby's spending is out of control (fresh and unique storyline, bitches!) and Lynette's problem becomes her whore mother.

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Desperate Housewives




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