Desperate Housewives

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 1 USERS: A+
Skeletor Rigby

Anyway, Carlos slaps the everloving shit out of his wife for even thinking about things he's told her she's not allowed to think about, so Gaby runs off to cry in her closet, because somebody else's daughter went to Texas with her parents after she knew her for about ten minutes. And this after an entire storyline about a miscarriage she got over. Just puttin' that out there one more time. She smiles through her tears and runs her hands all over the secret doll she bought last week, because that's what this show is like now.

It's nice to see Julie, but I sure wish she'd stayed far away from Susan's hospital room. That place is not safe for kidneys right now. Not even for Susan, because guess who Julie and Mike called into town? Her horrible mother that looks younger than her, plus Rhoda the drunk aunt. Susan's pissed because Julie has royally fucked her, because, get this shit, now she's going to get her mom's kidney, and then she'll feel obligated to friend her on Facebook.

I used to wonder why these bitches were ever friends with Mary Alice, and now I'm wondering how she managed to keep from blowing her head off starting the day she moved in. These are the worst people! It's not even funny how nasty they all are, it's just like... An hour-long Curb Your Enthusiasm, but with cutesy music and Mary Alice being totally smarmy all the time.

Renee is taking the mature approach to Lynette's little break with reality. You can tell by how when Tom leaves for work she is hiding in his backseat with a kerchief and sunglasses. I love that there's a disguise. Who's that lady in the backseat of Tom Scavo's car? "I can't tell, she's expertly camouflaged." Well, I'm sure it's no biggie. Maybe she's just taking a nap. "Those new Ford Lesions are pretty roomy." Is that a crack about my income? I told you it's just temporary while they move things around! "Even though we're imaginary, we're still the same old Fairview assholes." Just don't burn my meatloaf, or I'll scream at you like Carlos! "Always with the meatloaf." Wisteria Lane is the capital of meatloaf. Also easily preventable murders, bewildering gay jokes from 1982, tacit approval for domestic abuse, and elderly anorexia.

Just ignore them. Anyway, Renee is hiding in tom's backseat with a big old knife, ready to pull the greatest prank of all and finally get Lynette's respect back, but the car behind him keeps flashing its brights, so she tells him about Lynette's Gaslight-by-way-of-Meatballs scheme. Tom calls out a checklist of things we didn't "get" to watch: The Old Flat Tire Switcheroo, the Old Gym Bag Fish Trick, and the Old Gay Porn On My Laptop Bedazzler. All but the last, my friend. All but the last.

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Desperate Housewives




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