Desperate Housewives

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 1 USERS: A+
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Skeletor Rigby

Bree comes on over to Beth's house, so she pulls out her gun and pops it under her apron because yes, Beth is once again working the look of an outpatient raised on staticky Doris Day movies that didn't quite come in on the old antenna. Beth admits to Bree that while she was raised in an isolated monkey house of crazypants Tillman Grey Gardens bullshit -- where frozen turkeys flew in gentle lofting arcs and Thanksgiving was reason enough to hide under all your mattresses -- she wasn't really a social pariah until she came here as the mail-order bride of Public Enemy #1.

Beth tries to break it down for Bree about how Paul still hasn't really done anything that horrible, and Bree with Jesus Christ's help pretends to listen. When Beth is finally done talking -- it's a pretty long story, the story of the horrible shit these people are constantly doing to Paul Young -- Bree checks in again to be like, "I am throwing you a little cocktail party with the other four horrible women of my acquaintance. You will come, and you will be mercilessly mocked and emotionally abused. Doesn't that sound fun?" Beth is like, "Like I said: Raised by Felicia Tillman. I will be there at eight, in my most stunningly bugshit-looking outfit. Now, should I run a brush through my hair, or just keep it looking like Debbie Harry in a John Waters movie?" Bree's not listening, Beth! She's flipping through mental recipe cards and thinking about whether she has enough dirt to make anybody come to this terrible, awful, no-good idea of hers.

Susan's dumb mom comes running in looking radiant and we meet, or if we've already met her at least Mike meets, her drunken Aunt Claire, who often used to pull a Crawford and make Susan mix complicated cocktails as a child. (My grandparents did the same thing, which is why my entire generation drinks everything straight rocks with a twist. It's that ADD.) Sophie's convinced her daughter's kidney was deformed by sleeping on her side, which is hilarious, and then when she offers to steal MJ's kidney she's like, "Take care of that bed-wetting problem though, wouldn't it?" I take it back. Susan's mom is the only person on this show I like besides Lynette's kids, Andrew and McCluskey.

Mom's so not interested in offering her own kidney, even when led there slowly and carefully by the self-absorbed hand, and finally she's like, "I can't! Because I'm... taking a cruise! For three months! Super inconvenient! Let's go shopping!" Susan is so pissed that her mom won't give her a kidney -- which by the way is not acceptable, either -- that she just yells about how she's going to be in dialysis for six hours and won't be able to go shopping, so go, essentially, to hell. Hmm. Shopping versus being guilted for your organs by a barely human half-wit. Yeah, not that hard a call, really.

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Desperate Housewives

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