Stupid Julie (hi, Julie!) wants to give Susan her kidney, and also teams up with Mike to call Susan's mom and drunken aunt -- Susan makes them feel shitty about all of this, of course. Then she turns her deformed kidney into a referendum on Sophie's terrible parenting -- like we couldn't tell from how Susan turned out -- and then we learn that Sophie's got secret cancer. Moderately touching, if it weren't about two horrible women reconciling rather than being run over by separate trucks.
Lynette tortures Tom throughout, and it's gross and stupid. Renee says she won't tell, but immediately does. Because after cheating you should totally make a secret alliance with the person. He's the good guy for about five seconds, if you can believe it... Until they drag the kids into it like a couple of assholes. Eventually they reconcile because their lives have been so full of constantly forgetting to use birth control and the beautiful moments that follow that time management just shouldn't be a priority.
Bree ignores Beth until the Reverend guilts her into making friends through a verse war and spiritual blackmail. Beth looks like a lunatic some more and tries to defend Paul, telling us the last seven seasons of this show in the process. Bree -- backed up by Renee, which is fairly awesome -- decides to throw Beth a party nobody wants. Susan and Lynette are assholes, Beth and Gabby are basket cases, and Bree is investigating everybody these days.
At the party a mysterious flower delivery guy (?) hides the Paul gun (?) in Bree's couch (?). (Or maybe the flower guy is Zach Young and his giant underage penis in disguise as a flower guy with a regular penis, I don't know.) Everybody starts suspecting everybody else of the shooting because of the gun, making Beth a million times more paranoid and cutting her off from what's sure to be her only support pretty soon.
The gays are adopting a child. Named Liza. Gabby somehow makes it about her; Carlos makes it about his burgeoning sexism. Everybody is stabbed to death by a knife murderer. Gabby caresses her Grace doll. It is weird. Bree discovers this when Gabby freaks out harpy-style on the girls, for breaking the doll, but it's so weird she can't really believe it. Gabby connects with Weird Doll Lady about her obsession, so things get super fucked-up, but I can't tell how yet.
I dunno. Maybe Weird Doll Lady killed Paul. Hell, maybe Gabby did. She's going to this kind of Mel Gibson/Anthony Hopkins place right now?
Anyway... OH SHIT, IT'S ZACH YOUNG. He totally was in disguise as the flower guy! I was just dicking around and it was true! I am magical now! Awesome!
Next week: Keith has jungle fever, Gabby's spending on dolls, Lynette's mom is a golddigger, and the Solizes get carjacked... by a white guy.
What are people saying about your favorite shows and stars right now? Find out with Talk Without Pity, the social media site for real TV fans. See Tweets and Facebook comments in real time and add your own -- all without leaving TWoP. Join the conversation now!
Things Lynette Scavo has been doing, in her non-stop quest to out-asshead her husband: The Old Sprinkler-System Swizzler, the Old Salt-In-The-Coffee Swindle, the Broken La-Z-Boy Legerdemain, and that classic, the Old Dropped-Keys/Split-Pants Double Bunko Scam. Points scored: Negatory. Grow up, Lynette. This is not how we do.
After Tom sighs in relief that he wasn't going commando -- which, when he heard his pants ripping he probably assumed that was why, because I don't know if you've heard, but in addition to his visibly awesome ass he also has a storied junk hugeness -- Renee tries to explain to her that trying to kill her husband through the Death Of A Thousand Childish Pranks is, while hilarious because Tom sucks, also immature and unsatisfying. Lynette says nothing could be further from the truth, because she is a sour old goat with a worn-out birth canal and a gross baby-man for a husband. Renee promises not to tell -- so of course she is immediately going to tell, probably in a creepster way -- and then Tom comes flying down the stairs onto that very same perfect ass. The Old Skippy-On-The-Steps Stingaroony.
Mary Alice would like to do her traditional thing of reminding you what an asshole she is, and then tryna implicate you into feeling like you're somehow also part of her shitty right-wing selfish suburban weltanschaung: "We pass by these people every day. We sense their isolation. But we just keep walking, telling ourselves there's nothing we can do to help... Which we know is a lie."
Um, what? Who does that? Like there are homeless people in Fairview, besides Susan Delfino most of the time. Well, here's who does that: The Other Gay One, who ignores the suicidal girl standing on the sidewalk outside his house apparently every day. With her long dry locks and her arms full of library books she knows won't chase the pain away. Carlos ignores Wisteria's tragic postal worker, a part-turtle/part-Asian fellow who looks to be about seventy. Everybody ignores Beth Young, because she is fucked-up looking.
But especially Bree, even at church, so Reverend would like to butter her up to make a friend with a sadsack parishioner. Bree's up for it -- what else has she got going on, besides that eternal poetic struggle between coq au vin and Sloppy Joe -- until she sees where he's looking, and then it's a rigid about-face. "I'm happy to help... Unless you're talking about Beth Young, in which case I'd rather shave my head and join the Hare Krishnas." I will pay this show one thousand dollars if that happens. Then she can come back to her senses, and start wearing a wig, and then you know what happens next?