Desperate Housewives
Who's That Woman?

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Jessica: B- | Grade It Now!
Who's That Woman?

Previously: Flames! Blackmail! Illicit sex! Bratty kids!

When Mary Alice was alive, MAVO tells us, she "maintained many different identities: teacher, mother, secret lover." Or, you know, something like that. Labels, MAVO explains, are "important to the living." They inform the way you see yourself. And also allow you to know what kind of soup lives inside each can in your pantry. Over corny, visually pun-y footage of Lynette attempting to clean her festering home, MAVO explains that Lynette used to see herself as a "powerful career woman." Now, she is just a big old mess with a ton of children she can't control. Lynette is scrubbing potatoes in her hideous choker and a flannel shirt -- because it is apparently 1995 in Lynette's home -- when the phone rings. She answers, listens, and sighs deeply.

Cut to the local elementary school. Messy-haired Lynette and the Choker of Doom hustle up to a classroom. Outside, on a bench, sit the Scavo twins. They wave blue paint-covered hands at their mother. Lynette gives them dirty looks, and heads inside...

...where she meets with their extremely cheerful and bemused teacher. Lynette wonders how "it" happened. Teach snorts that she left the door to the art-supply closet open for five minutes: "That's all." Lynette takes an exhausted seat. "The little girl? Why didn't she say anything?" asks Lynette. "Your boys work quickly," Teach almost chuckles. Lynette assures Teach that the hellions will be punished, and severely. Teach nods, and then says that she doesn't want to bring this up, since Lynette got so pissy about it last time, but she really thinks the twins could use a strong Ritalin smoothie with their Pop Tarts in the morning. Lynette huffs, patronizingly, that she is not going to drug her children just to make Teach's life easier, and that she'd "rather change teachers." At this, Teach kindly points out the boys are in her class precisely because she's the only teacher who can handle them. Lynette wonders if they could maybe separate them? Teach is willing to try it. "But if it doesn't work, we may no longer be able to accommodate them," she adds, cheerfully. MAVO: "Lynette was fucked." Well, you know, that's more or less what she said. As Lynette hustles Python and Pole Vaulter (or whatever the twins' names are) out to the car, MAVO explains, "For the next few years, [Lynette would] be known as the mother of the boys who painted Tiffany Axelrod blue." And there's blue little Tiffany Axelrod, right on cue, looking like nothing so much as a wee little Smurf. Mama Axelrod gives Lynette a look that's equal parts pity and irritation. Poooooor Lynette.

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Desperate Housewives




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