Edie has moved on from ass-wiggling and boob dampening, and onto daubing herself with a sponge. "Oh no she's not, " Susan breathes. Hasn't either of these women heard of Match.com? What about a yenta? I know Mike is cute, but jeez. Is he the only man either of them has ever seen? Trust me, I have moments of romantic desperation, but it's never been that bad. Well, other than that one time. But I am legally prohibited from talking about that. Mike is transfixed by Edie's wriggling. Susan announces that Edie is really "bringing out the big guns." Oh, is that what they're calling them, now? "You better get out there. She's wearing cotton," Julie advises. Susan wonders what possible excuse she has for going out there, and Julie rummages through their junk drawer and comes up with an envelope. It's a piece of Mike's junk mail. "I hung on to it in case of an emergency," she says. Susan kisses Julie gratefully and books outside.
On the way over to Mike, Susan throws Edie the evil eye. Mike greets her cheerfully as she hands over his mail. "Hope it's not important," she says. He tells her it's just a promotion for Contrived Mike Date of the Week. There's a lot of awkward shuffling and stammering from Susan, until Mike finally sacks up and asks her out. Then Susan's body language goes from awkward and weird to all flirty and excited, and Edie, who's been watching them very closely, throws in the sponge. Literally.
Edie stomps into Mrs. Kravitz's house. "I hate Susan Mayer," she announces. I love the hideous wardrobe they're putting Mrs. Kravitz in. Everything is straight from, like, Chico's 1984. I think her earrings are actually wooden pieces of fruit. "Every time I see those big doe eyes of hers, I swear to God, I just want to go out and shoot a deer," Edie says as she gets a Corona from the fridge and tosses the cap in the sink. I find it hard to believe that Mrs. Kravitz keeps beer in the house. I feel like she drinks wine from a jug. ["Or a box." -- Wing Chun] "What has she done this time?" Mrs. Kravitz salivates. Edie tells her, and Mrs. Kravitz looks stunned. "Susan likes Mike?" she gasps. Edie is all, duh: "She's been lusting after him ever since he moved in." Mrs. Kravitz looks thoughtfully out the window.
Later (I think. The timeline on his show is so F'ed up), Lynette races to the school. Teach is waiting for her calmly, eating sunflower seeds. "The boys refuse to be separated," she says cheerfully. Lynette huffs that they have no choice: "They're six years old. Make them." Lady, you can barely get them to wear a seatbelt. You had to leave them by the side of the road to force them to behave and then almost had Child Services called on your ass. Who are you to talk? Teach pops a seed and grins that she's not allowed to wrestle with the kids. But Lynette is welcome to try. "Fine. Which one goes and which one stays?" Lynette asks. Teach chuckles that Lynette can pick.