Desperate Housewives

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M. Giant: B- | Grade It Now!
You Can't Judge A Book By Its Cover

While Orson is napping, Bree sneaks out with the baby to go to her friend's bris. And after the ceremony, Bree approaches the rabbi to ask if he can do hers too, and even claims to be Jewish. The rabbi's surprised to hear that this tall, red-haired, fair-skinned woman was born with the surname Rabinowitz. "I should only have a nickel for every time I've heard that," she says. Bree keeps up the Yiddish syntax as she explains to the rabbi about her "big stubborn goy" husband who's against the circumcision. Finally he gets her to promise, "I swear to you before God that his child will be as devout a Jew as I am." Good enough for the rabbi.

So when she goes home and tells Orson that Benjamin's been circumcised, he's rather piqued. Actually, no, he's pissed off. She claims that he considered his feelings, but since the baby has her blood, the decision was really up to her. And now Orson is enraged. "So who am I to Benjamin?" he demands angrily. "A friendly uncle? A male nanny?" Chastened, Bree says she has to remember it's love that makes them a family and not blood. So she hands the boy over to him. "Your son would like you hold him. By the way, his Hebrew name is Simkha." Okay, all better.

Gabby has somehow managed to dock that big huge boat by herself. Carlos meets her at the dock, and is kind of surprised to hear that Victor didn't exactly come back with her. Gabby claims that he was coming after her with a gun, so Carlos figures they can claim it was self-defense, as long as Gabby still has said gun. Gabby nearly strains something making a thinky-face, and leads Carlos to the suitcase -- which contains nothing but a sweater. So they decide to go back out and find Victor. Oh, why not just head home, rent Open Water and call it a day?

Stella is sitting out on Lynette's porch listening to her daughters arguing about how much they all don't want her. This turns into a reminiscence of all of Stella's past drunknesses. At some point, Lynette realizes her sisters don't care about their mom at all, which she doesn't understand. And which means that she's keeping Stella after all. And then she has the balls to act like they're the assholes, like she didn't just ditch her at a restaurant. Shut up, Lynette. Have some more cancer. She's still on her high horse when one of the kids comes in to ask where Grandma's going. The L's rush out just in time to see Stella leaving in a cab. Lucky Stella.

Gabby and Carlos have managed to find Victor, still afloat and in one piece. Wow, rich and lucky. They haul him back aboard, and Victor says he only wanted to talk to Gabby, to find out if they have a chance and if she's still screwing Carlos. Speaking of whom, what's Carlos is doing on his boat? "Besides saving your life?" Carlos says. He reminds Victor about what he said a few weeks ago, boasting that he'd spend anyone who cuckolded him into oblivion. He taunts, "How tough are you without your ATM card?" Victor doesn't make a move at first, but then he sucker-punches Carlos and groin-knees him to the deck. He's about to go after Carlos with that bread knife, but before he can, Gabby knocks him overboard again with that same oar. Carlos is ready to haul him back on board and tie him up, but Victor hasn't come up to the surface this time. He's like, "Fuck this, I'm swimming back to the Mad Men set."

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Desperate Housewives




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