Desperate Housewives
You Could Drive A Person Crazy

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You Could Drive A Person Crazy

Mommy Phyllis and Bree are at the dry cleaner. Phyllis is bitching to Bree about another customer. "Look at her, just chatting away," she snarks. "So inconsiderate." Bree: "Phyllis, we've only been waiting here for two minutes!" Phyllis: "I told you when we left the house that I needed to eat. I have low blood sugar. Do you want to see me keel over?" Bree: "No...in theory." Ha. The dry cleaner man comes over with Bree's cleaned clothes, and he pauses to offer his condolences about Rex: "I'm so sorry, Dr. Van de Kamp was one of my most favorite customers, truly." I'm surprised that super-housewife Bree left any dry cleaning up to Rex, but okay. Bree thanks him for his sweetness. "I'm not just being polite, Mrs. Van de Kamp." he clarifies. "How are you feeling?" Bree ekes out a pleasantly surprised little smile. She takes a breath to answer, but Mommy Phyllis butts in: "We're holding up as best as we can, under the circumstances." Why, exactly, is Phyllis still in town? Bree introduces Phyllis to the dry cleaner, and he offers her his condolences as well. "Thank you," Phyllis says with a showy sadness. "You know, the hardest thing is to lose a child." A line of people is beginning to form behind them, and Bree tries to get Phyllis moving: "Let's get you something to eat!" But Phyllis is in full wallow and not at all ready to move on: "We had no warning. I was doing dishes when I got the call!" Bree points out that people are, indeed, waiting. (Remember, Phyllis? How just moments ago you were complaining about how inconsiderate it was to make people wait?) Phyllis turns to the woman behind them and says, "Excuse me, I'm so sorry. But my son just passed away!" The woman is suitably horrified. Phyllis: "I was telling Mr. Pashmutt here, my life is just over. MY LIFE IS OVER!" Oh my god, Phyllis! The way she can take a sympathetic position of a mother mourning the loss of her son and make it 100% irritating is a true wonder. Brava, Mommy Phyllis!

Gabby is visiting Carlos in jail. Carlos is signing checks, and Gabby is complaining about how ridiculous it is that she has to come all the way in to get his signature: "Don't you think I have better things to do than to bring you checks every day, checks that I could be signing at home?" Why do they have so many checks that need writing? Every single day? I write most of my checks for the month all in one day. Though I guess I don't have...gardeners to pay, et cetera. And maybe Gabby's keeping his business going? I don't know. More to the point, Gabby is miffed that she still does not have access to their bank accounts: "Do you know how long it takes for me to schlep out here to this hellhole?" Carlos: "Exactly. It's the only way I can guarantee you'll come and visit me." Good point. Gabby, in a bored, "reciting memorized text" sort of tone, says, "That's ridiculous. You're my husband. I love you. Obviously, I would come visit." Carlos: "I thought it was obvious that when you loved someone, you wouldn't have an affair. I was wrong, wasn't I?" Gabby is getting very tired of "this song," and thinks it's high time he forgave her. Carlos: "You want my forgiveness, you got it. My trust? That you're going to have to earn." Gabby threatens him, saying that, up until now, she's been "really lonely in that big bed of [theirs]." She goes on: "But when you're rude to me, it makes me want to be not so lonely," which is just a convoluted Gabby way of saying "if you're rude to me, I will have sex to someone else." Carlos (and I feel I should add that this scene has a lot more sparkle than it reads here...they do have a snappy chemistry, I'll say that much for Gabby and Carlos): "Comments like that are exactly while you'll never have access to my money." Gabby: "Why are all rich men jerks?" Carlos: "The same reason all beautiful women are such bitches," which earns some quizzical glances from the other prisoners and visitors in the room. Gabby and Carlos stare at each other for a long second, and it's one of those "I hate you, but not as much as I hate your clothes, which are preventing me from engaging in intercourse with you right here and right now on this very table" sort of looks. Carlos, very matter-of-factly: "So, same time tomorrow?" Gabby says, "Sure, baby," and leans over for a kiss. I guess visitors are allowed to touch inmates at this prison? (Though really, since my knowledge of prison-visiting protocol is only what I've gleaned from other television shows, I'm in no position to call bullshit on this one.)

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Desperate Housewives

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