Desperate Housewives
You Could Drive A Person Crazy

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You Could Drive A Person Crazy

Mommy Phyllis is on the phone, crying herself a river. I feel a little weepy myself. Will Phyllis never leave? Will this episode ever end? Bree comes downstairs and asks Phyllis who was on the phone. Apparently it was "someone named Allen Handley." Bree: "My electrician? Why were you on the phone sobbing to my electrician?" Oh, he called to offer Bree his condolences, but he and Phyllis got to talking, and he had some "very beautiful things to say about Rex." Mommy Phyllis starts crying again. Bree stands there, nodding her head a few seconds, trying to bite her tongue, but then she lets slip, "For god's sake, Phyllis, don't you ever worry about dehydration?" Which is kind of mean? And yet, Phyllis is so incredibly off-putting that I forgive Bree. Phyllis is all, "Are you saying that I am too emotional?" Bree: "I'm saying that even Italians take a break now and again." Phyllis reminds Bree that she's grieving her dead SON. Bree: "So am I, but no one would ever know it with your incessant caterwauling. People want to know how I'm doing, but the minute they ask me, you jump into the spotlight and they forget all about me." Again, it seems remarkably petty for these two women to be arguing about who gets what attention, and yet Phyllis is so heinous, it seems justified. Bree: "I need consoling too, Phyllis, have you ever thought of that?" Phyllis apologizes and says it will never happen again, but adds that, really, Bree's overly controlled emotions are to blame: "If you didn't constantly suppress your emotions, people wouldn't forget to console you." Phyllis calls Bree cold. Bree denies it, saying that she simply dislikes public displays of emotion. Phyllis says that people have been wondering why Bree never cries, and wondering if maybe she doesn't even mourn Rex's death. Phyllis knows her stuff, because immediately Bree is freaked out by the idea of people talking about her, which Phyllis almost surely fabricated, but again, Phyllis knows her Bree!

Gabby has driven her Spyder into a bad neighborhood, as evidenced by the late-model cars up on blocks and the weeds in lieu of lawns; we are far afield of MAVO's flowered, lawn-tastic suburbs. A woman is shucking corn on the front stoop, and Gabby tells her she's looking for "Rita Rivera." The woman takes a walking cane and bangs on the front door, and out comes a woman wearing cut-offs and a turquoise tank with black lacy bra underneath. I get the feeling that the costumers were trying to make her look trashy here, but really it's nothing we don't see on Edie every day. ...Oh, wait. Gabby introduces herself and tells Rita that their husbands are roommates at the prison. Rita laughs and says, "Richie and I aren't married." Gabby downgrades, "Well, your boyfriend asked my husband to give this to you." She hands Rita an envelope containing the $7000. Rita looks at the money, yells "son of a bitch," throws the money down, and slams the door. The corn-shucker looks at the bills, and Gabby tells her not to even think about it and gathers up the cash. Rita comes back outside and grabs the envelope. "This might seem kind of weird," she says, but...what does Gabby think of her breasts? Gabby thinks they're nice, and Rita sincerely thanks her for saying so. She, too, likes her own breasts. Gabby: "You're right, that was weird." Gabby tries to make a retreat to the car, but Rita calls after her, "You have no idea what this money is for, do you?" "No, you seem to have..." Gabby takes a snarky look around the neighborhood "...everything you need." But Rita informs Gabby that the money is for a boob job: "Richie is obsessed with huge breasts." Gabby looks at Rita thumbing the money, pauses to let her money-grubbing side take over, and then launches into some "sisters are doing it for themselves"/"our bodies, ourselves"/"I love you just the way you are" talk. Rita says that if she doesn't do it, Richie is going to leave her. Helpful Gabby: "Honey, he's in jail. How far is he going to go? Maybe it's time you stood up for yourself -- tell him you don't need the surgery." Rita concedes that it might be worth a shot. Gabby grabs back the envelope, tells Rita how proud she is of her, and scuttles back to her car. Poor Rita, too slow to notice that she could have kept her breasts AND the money. Also: poor Carlos. Better learn how to put up those dukes, golfie!

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Desperate Housewives

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