Desperate Housewives

Episode Report Card
DeAnn Welker: B- | Grade It Now!
Pain and Suffering
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description!

Previously: Paul Young got out and came back to Wisteria. For revenge. Lynette's friend, Renee (Vanessa Williams), came to visit and stayed because her husband left her. Carlos found out Juanita was switched at birth. Susan took a job cleaning on camera for money. In pajamas (racy!). And Bree was in love with her Hot Handyman.

MAVO leads us into the episode, all focused on Bree and why she's so repressed. First her grandma told her how bad sex was ("a woman's burden"). Her minister said it was a sin. Her teacher taught her about venereal disease. But no one ever told Bree how to get rid of such sexual urges. She heads outside to stare at Hot Handyman, but he catches her so she makes up a trip to the bank. She comes over and rubs his wood. No, really. He makes her fondle the piece of wood he's cutting, which he thinks would make nice paneling somewhere in her house. I know it doesn't matter, but why is he already cutting up this particular wood if he hasn't even shown it to her before. Seems sort of inefficient to prepare paneling the boss might not even want, doesn't it? Anyway, Bree leaves all hot and bothered, and keeps staring at Hot Handyman as she backs out of her driveway ... and right into little Juanita Solis. What is it with this family running over that family? MAVO reminds us how dangerous Bree's urges still are.

Fairview Hospital. More MAVO, all about the healing that takes place here. But the one thing she says they can't heal is a guilty conscience. Lynette tries to make Bree feel better, but Bree really wants them to come out and tell her something. Andrew says Juanita was talking when they put her in the ambulance, and Mrs. McCluskey says one of the nurses said things looked good. Paul comes in and says how great this is. They all want him to leave, but he's being neighborly and insists they all pray together. He holds hands and prays. While his eyes are closed, everyone else looks at each other in shock. Then he says "Amen" and they all pretend they've been praying the whole time. He says he has to get home, as he's expecting someone, and leaves. Mrs. McC prays "that creep" never touches her again. Gaby comes out and tells them all how Juanita's doing just fine, and Carlos doesn't even have to come home from his business trip. Then she pulls Bree and Andrew into a hall and yells at them, accusing them of trying to kill every Juanita Solis on the planet. Bree is very apologetic, and then Andrew thanks her for not telling Carlos. Gaby gives him that one, since she didn't like that Juanita, but she storms off and tells them to learn to swerve. Giving Bree and Andrew a chance to discuss what caused the accident. She insists she was fiddling with the radio, but Andrew saw her looking at Hot Handyman, and he tells her that particular model of radio is, like, fifteen years too young.

Susan's house. She's in a silky nightie, vacuuming. She's doing everything she can to cover up her totally lopsided boobs (and, really? Why am I always recapping lopsided boobs). Maxine comes in then to tell her how boring she is, and give her some pointers. We get some much more awesome and sexier scenes of Lainie Kazan gyrating with the vacuum and then the duster, and then rubbing the table clean with her giant breasts. Susan gets the point, but says she can't loosen up. Maxine calls her the "perfect woman," which is ridiculous. I mean, why is this show so in love with her. Anyway, Susan tries to loosen up, and Maxine grabs her from behind and teaches her how.

At the Scavos, Penny's eating at the table as Renee has a conversation with her ex-husband about how he better give her everything she wants or she'll take half of everything, even his new lover's implants. When Renee hangs up, Lynette asks her to notice the child in the room. Renee replies by asking Penny what "Auntie Renee" taught her about marriage. Penny: "Never sign a prenup." Tom comes home early, sick for the third time in a week. Lynette tells him to go to the doctor, but first: go to the grocery store, please. He's tired, but so's she. He tells her he'll go to the doctor tomorrow. He leaves, and Renee warns Lynette, because they're sounding a lot like she and Doug did.

Out on the lane, Bree's filling Mrs. McC and Lee in on Juanita: She's fine. Tom joins them, and there's more than a little bitterness directed his way from Lee, put there by exposition fairies to remind us they broke up. Mrs. McC says it's been a month and can't they just kiss each other's bottoms and make up. I would be offended if I cared. A crazy woman, played by Emily Bergl, comes down the street with a goldfish in a bowl, and tells them she's lost. She's looking for Paul Young. They ask if she's a friend, but before she can answer, he comes up and introduces her as Beth, his wife.

When Bree gets back from grocery shopping, she finds Hot Handyman working shirtless. He apologizes, then puts his shirt on backwards, so has to take it off again. Bree almost faints from the hotness. And, come on now, Brian Austin Greene looks good, but really? He's not that hot. Then again, Bree's previous partners have been Orson and Karl, so I'll give her this one. Hot Handyman hugs Bree to reassure her about hitting Juanita, which could have happened to anyone. Bree, wanting sex, fires him. He wonders why, and she blames his messiness and his "overpowering" cologne. He doesn't wear cologne, though, which somehow makes it even worse.

At Susan's, she sends her men off into the world and tells Mike how much jewelry she's going to make today. He says she's determined to bring in extra money before she goes to school at 11. She says he has no idea. She starts dusting and acting gross/sexy, when Mike comes back to get the thermos he forgot. She tries to get the camera closed before he tells her what a fantasy this is and jumps all over her right there, but she doesn't get to it. He kisses her and pulls her close, and finally, she kicks the computer shut, relieved. What a riveting storyline.

Lynette asks Renee if she's found an apartment in New York yet, but Renee's actually thinking of moving here to Fairview. Lynette drops the dishes she's doing and says, "Uh, no." They bicker, when Tom comes home from the doctor. He asks Lynette if they can talk, and she goes into the other room with him. He tells her she's going to want to sit down, and she says he's scaring her. He whispers that he has post-partum depression. Lynette: "Come again?" He says it's actually a recognized problem for fathers his age. Lynette's not having any of it, asking if he was also checked for a yeast infection. He gives her the pamphlet, but she's not talking about it until he has stretch marks and chapped nipples. He asks her to please read the whole pamphlet, but the baby cries and she says she has to go take care of her other baby. Renee watches it all transpire with a raised eyebrow, lest we not get that something's up there just by the fact that they're showing her witness it all.

At the newly minted creepiest house on Wisteria Lane, Paul and his new bride have an awkward dinner together, in which he tries to get her to have sex now that he's finally out of prison (conjugal visits weren't allowed). She's excited to cook and clean for him, she says, but certain other wifely duties are going to take some more time. She also makes two references to someone named "Mama," who sounds awfully controlling. He pretends he's okay with this, but it's clear he isn't.

Hospital. The nurse has so

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Desperate Housewives




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