Desperate Housewives
Your Fault

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Your Fault

KimberBree finally gets home from the diner to find Rex curled up on the sofa bed, allegedly asleep. She tiptoes upstairs and he immediately turns over and looks at the clock. It's almost 2 AM. And....act-out! That is not a very good act-out, people. I would have acted out on implying that George might stab KimberBree with his purloined Steak Knife of Stalkery, but that's just me.

Lynette and Ryan O'Neal run into each other over breakfast. He apologizes for the events of the previous afternoon, explaining that he thought she was going to be out all afternoon. As much as I hate Lynette, it's pretty dumb of Ryan O'Neal to conduct his affair from her living room. In fact, I might call it contrived. "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?" he asks. Lynette tells him he can start by wiping "that disgusting smirk off [his] face." Oh, shut up. I dislike Lynette so much that she could donate her liver to an orphan child and then save a troop of Girl Scouts from a burning building and I could still find a way to justify wanting to punch her in the face. Anyway, she wants to know how he could do this to Alison. Ryan O'Neal doesn't know. He was on the road all the time...the kids burn you out..."It's complicated." Lynette snaps that it's not at all complicated, which is unfair. It's not RIGHT, but it probably IS complicated: adult relationships generally are. She adds that it's also "completely irresponsible." How bad do you think the heating bills are, there in Lynette's glass house? Ryan O'Neal disagrees. He thinks that staying married to a woman he doesn't love because of the "vows [he] made to God" is the ultimate in responsibility. "So your take on this is that you're the victim?" Lynette snaps. Takes one to know one, lady. Ryan O'Neal just tells her that they're going to have to "agree to disagree," and points out that his sex life is none of her business, and that there's nothing she can do about it, anyway.

Cut to Ryan O'Neal sitting on the curb with his bags. I suspect this was designed to be yet another moment where I am supposed to be all, "Oh, Lynette! You are so brash and sassy and real," and yet I still, yes, want to punch her in the face. Not because she kicked him out, really, mostly for past offenses. But still.

Gay Matt pulls up in the Gay Mattmobile to find his dad sitting on the curb. "I don't want to talk about it," Ryan O'Neal tells him. So Gay Matt goes inside, where Lynette is making him a scotch. "Why is my Dad sitting out on the curb?" he asks. Lynette hands him the drink and explains that Ryan O'Neal is having an affair. Can no one understand that he's suffering from a lot of psychic anguish from when Ali McGraw went and died on him? He's scared to love again, people, it's so obvious. Anyway, Gay Matt is not that surprised. Lynette says she expected a bigger reaction from him. Gay Matt tells her that his father has been spreading the love for years: "I didn't know he was still at it. I figured he was getting too old. In some strange way, I'm actually impressed." This is the point in the conversation where the majority of women would either roll their eyes or give him a dirty look. Lynette, on the other hand, simply shrieks, "Please don't tell me you're all right with this!" Gay Matt sighs and swears that he isn't: "He never should have brought that woman over here." No, he shouldn't have. Lynette makes some high-pitched noises that I believe dogs can understand, but I can't. Gay Matt finally tells her that his mother has made her peace with Ryan O'Neal's wandering johnson. Lynette doubts it. Gay Matt, clearly seeing all the signs of an impending eruption from Volcano Lynette, says that he's going to go get his father, put him in his room, and they can all just take some time to cool off. "That man is not coming back in this house," Lynette spits. Um, okay, Lynette? He's your husband's father, and you and the kids aren't in any danger from him. Later, if you guys want to put up a united front about this and not let him back in to see the grandkids who clearly adore him, that's your business, but you can't make that decision in the middle of his stay. Man, Lynette is really scared that Gay Matt is going to cheat on her; this is clearly a hot-button issue for her. Anyway, they bicker about it, and finally Gay Matt goes, "This is my house and you can't tell me what to do," and, predictably...

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Desperate Housewives

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