Remember how this show jumped ahead five years at the end of last season? That's just about all you need to know as this season begins, since it's sort of like starting all over.
First up, we have Susan in the hospital having Mike's baby, while Lila Dash (who?) was giving birth to a daughter in delivery room B. And then Susan and Lila's paths continue to cross over the years: as they leave the hospital, at the veterinarian's office, in the bleachers at a baseball game, in the park. But they never met. Until one night when Susan took Mike out for their anniversary and Susan Delfino and Lila Dash "finally ran into each other." As in, car crash. Oh, Mary Alice. So clever with the voiceovers.
Then we see a bloody Lila with her face on the steering wheel. And Mike thrown from the car, also bloody. Susan's ear-piercing "Miiiiiike!" takes us into condensed credits.
We're back with Mary Alice, taking us through a much quicker version of everyone else's past five years: Mrs. McCluskey looking at a photo of a much younger version of herself. Lynette with cancer bandana and naughty tweens turns into cancer-free Lynette with her two teens. Bree the caterer becomes Bree the successful catering business owner. Gaby the sexpot becomes Gaby the slightly overweight mother of two chubby girls.
We get a terrible sequence in which Gaby tries to buy a princess dress for her daughter (who is four and a half, for those keeping track), but nothing fits. The rude saleswoman tells Gaby they don't make anything bigger, because they don't make princess dresses for girls over seven. She should try the costume shop and look for a Mrs. Shrek dress. Which, come now: I know plenty of eight-year-olds who have been princesses. Gaby really needs to stop shopping where they discriminate against the non-anorexic. I'm just saying. Also, she should punch that lady in the face. At least Gaby does call the woman out, blaming the store. And then you hear the dress rip, and Gaby changes her tune: Just ring it up.
Bree's apparently Martha Stewart now (wasn't she always?), with Andrew as business manager. She's being photographed baking pies for her cookbook, but the photographer wants her to express surprise at her perfect pie. Bree: "Well, that's no surprise. My pies are always perfect." At least some things haven't changed in the past five years. She's very difficult, and the photographer is an ass who keeps calling her "Sweetie." She takes a break and tells Andrew to tell the ass that if he calls her "Sweetie" again she will take his camera and photograph his colon. She storms off. Andrew: "You got that, right?" Heh.