So, it's sweeps time on Wisteria Lane, and you know what that means: Something tragic and big is going to happen, but no one who really matters will die or anything. This episode starts out with the Battle of the Bands, where a fire breaks out. Then we flash back a day and a lot more stuff happens.
Lynette finds out from Preston that Anne's pregnant with Porter's baby, so she goes to talk to Anne. She unwittingly tells Anne's abusive husband about it, and he does what abusive husbands do best and beats the crap out of her. Until Lynette has the good sense to come back and rescue her. Anne ends up at the hospital and Porter's ready to kill Warren.
Gaby and Carlos get back in Virginia's good graces and into her will. Gaby tries to be nice until Virginia starts telling her what to do with the girls since she considers them investments. Gaby's had enough, and tells Grandma Nutjob that her money's not worth this now that Gaby's a mom.
Bree is being interviewed by a reporter who apparently writes for the cooking version of Star magazine. She wants to find some dirt on Bree, and you've all been watching this show, right? There's plenty of dirt to be found. Tom and Lee even show up to dish a little bit of it. But then Bree tells her she's just a struggling housewife, and the reporter decides she'll use that angle instead.
Julie brings her boyfriend home to visit, and he's old. Like, Steven Weber old. Which, here, is supposed to e "40." Uh, yeah, try closer to 50. Susan doesn't like this development, particularly when he says he's going to propose. But when she butts in, she finds Julie would have said no anyway, so maybe she should try butting out for once. Oh, and Creepy Dave's doctor has arrived in town, thanks to the McCluskey sisters' tip.
That brings us just about back to the fire. Creepy Dave takes a break from the Battle of the Bands to kill his doctor, after telling him how much he likes him (see why we call him "Creepy Dave"?). He has to start a fire to cover up the murder, so he does. And then he locks Jackson in the bathroom across the hall because Jackson sees him coming out of the room where the body is and the fire started. (How many bathrooms have a lock on the outside, though, really? That's stupid.) Carlos falls down, Tom helps him out. Orson gets knocked down by someone fleeing, but he makes it out too. Grandma Nutjob falls down, and Gaby saves her life, but she's still not going to be in the will. Everyone gets out safe, but Jackson's still locked in the bathroom. So Mike goes back for him so that Susan won't have to. Meanwhile, Jackson's actually busted out a window and gotten out just fine. Mike goes in and looks for him, and passes out in the bathroom from the smoke. Creepy Dave says he'll go after him, which made me PANIC! Thankfully, Creepy Dave doesn't simply want Mike's death. He needs to torture him or something. He brings him out, lays him on the gurney and tells him he's not done with him yet.
See what the Housewives stars did before they ended up on Wisteria Lane. Come back on Tuesday for our full weecap.
Previously: Oldster Anne Shilling was in love with Porter, and he loved her back. Lynette and Tom promised Porter they wouldn't tell Anne's psycho husband about it. Gaby kicked Grandma Nutjob to the curb. And the Crazy McCluskey Sisters told Creepy Dave's doctor that he's in Fairview.
Mary Alice tells us that the owner of the White Horse bar hosts a Battle of the Bands every year. He introduces a band named "Cold Splash" as Mary Alice tells us that young musicians come with their dreams of stardom. This year, though, they're joined by a group of middle-aged men who dream of being young again, if only for one night. We zoom in on Tom, Carlos, Mike, Orson, and Creepy Dave all sitting at a table wearing matching "Blue Odyssey" T-shirts. Because all of the cool bands are wearing matching band T-shirts these days, of course. The guys talk about how old they are, but Creepy Dave says it doesn't matter because they're there to have fun. Mike agrees that they're not a plumber, a masseur, and a guy who makes pizzas. "We're a rock n' roll band." Right then Creepy Dave leaves to go "check with a guy about light cues." Mike tells Tom it will be a night to remember, and Mary Alice tells us that it was. Then it cuts to them playing "Mustang Sally," and it's not that they're bad, really. But that song is. Mary Alice adds, "In ways they could never have known," just as a fire starts on stage. And I have to quibble with Mary Alice here because one of these people actually could have known this and, in fact, caused it. Oh, right, that wouldn't work as well in the voiceover. Edie notices the fire and screams. Everyone starts pushing their way out of the place, but the door is locked. They're trapped! Which leads perfectly to the cheery opening music.
Mary Alice tells us that news of the fire spread the next morning (again, not exactly accurate according to the rest of the episode; whoever wrote the first half of this episode wasn't communicating well with whoever wrote the second half), and police started using the word "arson." And someone was taken into custody. We see someone being handcuffed, but since we only see the back and butt as the cuffs are put on, there's no way to tell who it is.
Title cards tell us it's "The Day Before." Susan's sitting by her fire drinking a hot mug of something. How homey is that. A horn honks and Susan and Jackson head to the window, where Susan says she's so excited to see "her little girl." Julie is out there standing next to a cab with a guy about her age as an older guy gets bags out of the trunk Susan makes the obvious assumption: Young guy = Julie's boyfriend. Old guy = cabbie. She would be wrong, though, as the young guy gets in the cab and drives away and the old guy (one Steven Weber) plants a kiss on Julie. I am confused as to why the cab honked when it pulled up, though. Is that some tradition in other parts of the country that we in Oregon haven't heard of? To honk just to let people know it's time to come to the window and watch you? Weird.