Backbiters to the Future
So it seems like the big time-jump that the Housewives did at the end of last season worked pretty well. With five years of unexplained occurrences to catch up on, the first half of the new season has been gangbusters, and we didn't have to wait for the Scavo twins to grow up in order to see them make horrible, horrible mistakes (like Preston's hat!). But now that we've seen what happened in those intervening years -- Tom's heart attack, Susan and Mike's estrangement, Bree's relapse -- we're bored again. Yeah, yeah, Creepy Dave wants to get revenge on Mike for shanking his brother, blah, blah, blah. Give us more drama! And we know how to get it, too -- another time jump! We're tempted to send the Housewives into the far-flung future, to see what Wisteria Lane is like in space (yes, we realize that makes no sense), but another five years should do the trick. Of course, by then, it will be 2018 anyway! Who knows what will have happened by then! Here's what we think will be going on with everybody.
After selling the pizza place and making a brief, unsuccessful tour of the Midwest with the emotionally damaged remnants of Blue Odyssey, Tom finally convinces Lynette to sell the house, take the kids out of school and drive around the country in an RV. After a while they run out of money, and have to resort to singing for change at rest stops. The response is actually fairly positive, so Tom convinces Lynette they should make a go of it as a family band. With Tom on bass, Porter and Preston singing Porter's poetic lyrics, Parker programming computer beats, and a newly reformed Kayla on tambourine, the band does shows across the country, with Lynette driving them from gig to gig in their now brightly painted RV. When we meet up with the family five years later, they have just moved back into their old house on Wisteria Lane, after Tom's unfortunate death in what appeared to be a shooting by a deranged fan. In reality, Lynette shot him after he told her that he wanted to leave the group to pursue his lifelong dream of climbing Mount Everest.