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Gay In The Water

The school at night. Clark tells Lois that he's looking for Jason, who attacked him in his barn. Lois says that after Clark's football performance that day, she's not surprised. Snark! Lois says she's kidding. Clark tells her that the cheerleaders are spiking the sports drink. Lois asks if Clark wants to know what they're using. She pulls Clark into the Torch office and shows the fruits of her reporting. It's a science fair project folder. Clark's not impressed. Lois says their teacher said they were researching a hormone called "phenylithamine." Clark repeats it, with some work. It's a love potion that was unsuccessful. Like tequila for me in college. "Until they added the meteor rock," Clark adds. Lois boggles: "Whatever," she says. Lois says it has to wear off or they wouldn't keep "juicing" the football players. Is that gay? I just can't tell anymore. My brain, she is tired. Lois asks why Clark didn't get all lovey-dovey, since he drank some, too. Clark says he doesn't know. "What's your point?" he asks. Lois says the science report in Mandy's "faux-Prada" bag should tell them how to reverse it. Lois thinks that since Clark doesn't get affected, he should be used for their pool party. I completely concur. "How do you look in a swimsuit?" Lois asks. Remember when you saw his schlong? Now imagine it covered with a swimsuit. Clark starts to shake his head, "No." Lois looks at him coquettishly.

Pool Party! The football people have turned the school swimming pool into a respectable house party with lights, music, floaties and...hey, who forgot the Li'l Smokies?! Mandy stands around looking bored and pissed. Some football players in grass skirts dance the luau. Clark and Lois, overdressed, show up. They're like, "This looks fun! We hate fun." Lois spots Mandy's purse and tells Clark to go get it. She pushes him toward Mandy. Clark goes over to her and says hi. Mandy's drinking what looks like a mango martini. Clark looks over to Lois and when Mandy moves to look over, Clark grabs her and kisses her. "I'm devoted to you!" Clark says clumsily. Mandy pulls up his shirt for an abs inspection. "Yeah, I can work with this," she concludes. See, I like it when the villains on this show aren't Kryptofreaks -- they're just assholes. Mandy grabs her faux-Prada and drags Clark with her.

Locker room. Mandy starts kissing Clark as soon as they get through the door. Clark looks like Elmer Fudd being kissed by Bugs Bunny. He just can't enjoy this. It's way, way, way too straight. Lois doesn't so much sneak in as stick her head right through the door in plain view and look both ways, very "look at me! I'm doing improv theatre!" Mandy gushes that Clark is so strong. "You, you're so beautiful," Clark says. He's the worst straight man ever! More kissing. Lois mutters, "I'm so grossed out," so quietly that I have to pick it up from the Closed Captioning. Mandy pulls Clark over to a bench. She straddles him and asks Clark what he's going to do for her. "I'll buy you dinner," he says. Clark looks to Lois, who shakes her head. "I'll cook. I'll cook you dinner." Ha. This bit's pretty fun. Mandy says, "That is so hot!" and kisses him some more. I swear, this is like playing Leisure Suit Larry. Clark gets Mandy's purse and tosses it over to where Lois is hiding. Clark points toward it. Mandy asks why Clark seems distracted. He says he's nervous because he's never done what he thinks they're about to do. Mandy grins and kisses him more roughly. She's so slutty! I love it. Lois ducks and covers as Mandy takes Clark to another part of the workout room. She pulls him on top of her. Clark has somehow gotten her purse again and throws it over his own back to land on top of Lois, who is hiding under the bench now. "Ow," she whispers. Mandy stops and asks Clark if he said something. It's not exactly Noel Coward, is it? Mandy lifts Clark's shirt. It also lands on top of Lois, who looks at it disgustedly. Oh, come now, girlfriend. You know you want to smell it. Lois can be seen peeking between the two flat stomachs of the teens making out. Lois sneaks away as Clark keeps kissing Mandy. Not too convincing, that.

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