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Gay In The Water

"Boy's Locker Room." Whoever that boy is, he must be having lots of people over. Football players without shirts are excitedly opening boxes filled with new helmets, jerseys, and shoulder pads. Someone appears to have gotten an oversized treat in a box from The Cookie Factory. Clark walks in and asks what's going on. "You owe me one, Clark," a player says, putting a jersey with the word "Kent" on Clark's chest. So the guy was just holding on to Clark's jersey waiting for the moment the farmboy would come through the door? Desperate! The guy says he saved the jersey from the toilet. Devotion! Another player walks by and gives Clark a dirty look. Jason walks in and tells the "ladies" to listen up. Ha! I just saw a SpongeBob SquarePants episode yesterday (my first, in fact) where he makes the joke about a coach using the word "ladies" to de-motivate a team and let them know how tough the coach is. Jason tells his team that they've obviously found their new jerseys. He welcomes the person responsible. Wearing a suit, Lex Luthor strides into the "Boy's" locker room. So there's Lex, and Clark and a room full of shirtless sweaty guys.'t process...the HoYay...BLLLAAAAGGGHHH!

Al: We did it! We finally blew his mind!
Miles: Yes! Gay overload! We fried his circuits! Take that, you recapping bitch!
Al: Can we do something like this to make him love Lana?
Miles: Dude. We've been trying that going on four seasons. Not even our formidable powers of TV persuasion can unlock that tiny black heart.

I...Jell-O. Garfunkel. Lex walks in, players clap. Oh God, my brain. The word "flock" is featured prominently in a posterboard in the background. It is the holy grail, this scene: it is, finally, The Great Gay, in all its glory. Lex tells them this is a "rebuilding year," and he wants to encourage the team to keep at it. Lex turns and is surrounded by shirtless guys. I really want him to sing "Material Girl." He says he's learned not to give up on something that means a lot to you. He turns toward Clark and it's just like Casablanca. Lex goes on about having a losing season and how sometimes you just need a fresh start. Jason just nods, having no idea of the gaiety he's witnessing. Lex gives Clark an Ike Turner look: "Aw Tina Turner, baby, I didn't mean it! Let's let love flow again!" Lex asks everyone to enjoy the new uniforms. Clark sulks. Everyone else applauds, cheering the wonder of what may be the Gayest Scene Ever. Lex goes straight to Clark. To the showers with you two! Ow. My brain again. Clark tells Lex he can't buy back Clark's friendship. Because Clark's love don't cost a thing. Lex thinks, "Really? Shit." Clark walks off, pissed. Anybody know a good electro-shock therapist who could help me through this trying time?

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