First Blood

Episode Report Card
Couch Baron: C+ | 2 USERS: D
Leavin' on a Jet Plane…

Speaking of Joey Quinn, he shirtlessly emerges from the bathroom to find Deb getting dressed, saying she's going to be late. And since I'm here, I will say two things: One, I do not understand how I can find Desmond Harrington absolutely disgusting on Gossip Girl and hot here. It can't all be the hair, can it? And two, how twisted a game is Quinn playing with Deb here? I mean, I don't necessarily doubt that his attraction to/feelings for Deb are genuine, but given his secret suspicions about the most important person in her life it is super sketchy that he's giving in to them. I like it dramatically, but that doesn't mean it isn't incredibly creepy. I mean, if Deb found out what he was up to, she'd sooner sleep with her dead halfstepbrother The Ice Truck Killer than touch Quinn again.

Anyway, he tries to be affectionate but she's like, "LATE, hello," so despite the progressive normalization of their romantic relationship she's continuing the push-pull she does so very well, and even though this is hardly new ground for the character, the criminally (ooh, sorry) underappreciated Jennifer Carpenter sells it every single time. She does explain that she's got to get to the hospital to meet Batista, as they're interviewing "that kid Fuentes sliced open," and even that bothered me less than the shaving thing. When he sarcastically wishes her good luck with that investigation, she upbraids him for apparently sitting around on his admittedly attractive ass while she's out busting hers. Unable to tell her about his suspension, as that would lead her to his investigation of Dexter, he bullshits that he had a few vacation days he needed to use or lose, but while she doesn't exactly seem like she buys that, she doesn't have time to dwell on it and heads out. And as close at it seems Quinn is to formally identifying Kyle Butler as Dexter, he seems just as near to the whole department finding out what he's doing. Which one will happen first?

After an establishing shot of the hospital, Deb finishes complaining about Quinn's absence to Batista, who agrees with Deb that Quinn being forced to use leave days doesn't make any sense. Once again, however, the subject is dropped, this time because Deb catches sight of the kid's mother and freaks, as she's blaming herself for him getting his throat cut and assumes the mother will too. Batista manfully steps up to her, but any such chivalry is unnecessary, as it happens, because all the poor woman wants to do is give Deb a hug, apparently seeing her as her son's savior rather than the catalyst for him coming to harm. Deb manages a "De nada," but when she switches to English to say they'd like to ask her son some questions, the woman looks to Batista for translation, and even though it seems like a minor thing, given how big the plots are on this show, I'm rather enjoying this little "Deb is realizing she really should learn Spanish" seasonal subplot. They've paid enough quiet attention to it that I think it might really pay off one way or the other at some point. Anyway, once Batista presents their request in Spanish, the woman accedes... we cut to the kid's room, wherein we can see that he's recovered quite nicely and can even speak normally despite the large bandage on his throat. Batista translates a question from Deb (does Quinn speak Spanish? I can't remember, but maybe Batista would have had to be here anyway) as to the identity of the man who "injured" him, and after "Andre" hesitates, his mother instructs him (my Spanish is super-rusty, but I still could understand this) to tell the officers what they need to know. Andre, however, doesn't even know the guy's name and really is unable at first to give them any information other than that he was really scared. However, after they've started to leave, he calls them back and tells them Fuentes had a mark on his hand -- a small tattoo. Ooh, did it say "If you can read this, I'm going to cut your throat"? It would explain a lot! Deb excitedly asks Andre to draw the design, and after another look to his mother, he gets to work...

...but we don't see if he's a good candidate for the Draw Me! School yet, as we cut to Dexter. DVO, after some unnecessary stuff about darkness, says there's nothing in Boyd's record to indicate he had accomplices, which YES HELLO THINK OF THAT, and then Deb busts in and Dexter does that "Oh, don't mind, me, I'm just subtly navigating away from that screen" thing he does, like, if I worked in that office, I might not think Dexter was a serial killer but I'd sure suspect him of being a porn addict on a Masuka-size scale. Anyway, Deb gives Dexter the cup of coffee she tells him he left on the hood of his car, and Dexter sighs that his head is "in about fifty places" before saying that Masuka didn't begin to keep up with the caseload, and obviously Dexter and I see the importance of our morning coffee differently, because a dead wife, a potentially psychopathic baby, and an undeterminably crazy woman who might blow my entire existence wouldn't be nearly enough for me to forget it. Also, if Dexter owes any karmic debt for blaming Masuka for his state of mind, it's paid and then some when Deb informs him that Masuka was looking at...well, as Deb puts it: "Good luck getting the midget porn off your hard drive." I mean, I know the department's pretty hard-boiled, but they might want to consider getting Net Nanny for Masuka, no?

Deb then asks how "Mommy And Me" was, which explains why Dexter was the only dad there, and after Dexter admits that Harrison's kiddie dance card isn't exactly full yet, talk then turns to the fact that Deb didn't come home the previous night. She shiftily tells him it was late and she didn't want to wake him, so she just crashed at a friend's, but he doesn't let her off the hook, asking what friend, and even though I think he suspects a hookup it's sadly hilarious to think the suspicion is triggered because he knows she has no friends. LaGuerta is the only one I could ever see her actually developing a friendship with, but she's too busy hiding money in her mattress and attending to her Miss Best Blowjob In Miami duties to take on anyone new at the moment. Anyway, Deb asks Dexter if he wants to do lunch, but Dexter begs off as DVO tells us he's got to stop by Boyd's house, and when Deb tells him to bring her something back, MCH gives a priceless expression as he contemplates what in that house might be appropriate.

Batista sees his wife in her office with McCourt and asks Deb if she finds him attractive, but she reassures him: "I would rather put a campfire out with my face." Hee. This is enough for him to drop the subject, so she tells him Cira (she always sounds like she's saying "Sierra" -- work on it, Deb) is going to keep checking ATM video surveillance while she tracks down the tattoo. He asks to see the drawing again, and when she produces it, I'd say it looks like an eye with no pupil and two solitary lashes on the bottom side, but Batista's assessment that "It looks like a UFO to me" certainly has merit. Deb expresses similar confusion and opines that they need to talk to an expert, which sets a light bulb off over Batista's head...

...and then we pan up a close shot of someone's back, on which a large tattoo of a bare-breasted female warrior riding a dragon can clearly be seen, and then we fade out to see the bearer of the image is Masuka, who informs them that "the dragon lady represents the dualities of my inner warrior." No frickin' idea what that means, but Deb's response of "Or your inner idiot" suffices to move the scene along, and while for the sake of thoroughness I'm going to have to tell you that Masuka having removed his shirt lets us see not only the tattoo but the leopard-print thong he's wearing down below, you can bet I'm not going to dwell on that either. Anyway, after some tiresome discussion about Masuka having had "a crisis of the soul," he tells them that they're going to want to talk to his "body artist, Michael Angel

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