Dexter
First Blood

Episode Report Card
Couch Baron: C+ | 2 USERS: D
YOU GRADE IT
Leavin' on a Jet Plane…
o," and nothing about that scene made me want to do anything other than behead Masuka with a machete. I guess I know who to talk to about that!

Dexter pulls up to Boyd's house as DVO tells us that from the outside, a normal home is indistinguishable from the home of a monster who puts women in barrels, like what that has to do with the price of tea in China I'll never know and WRITERS, DON'T WRITE WORDS JUST FOR THE SAKE OF WRITING WORDS, and when Dexter gets inside DVO continues that there must be something inside that will point him to Boyd's accomplices, like, wow, Dexter, you're really taking that stuff you said last week about a "leap of faith" to heart. Dexter quickly discovers that someone's been there by the presence of overturned files and a bloody broken window, and I will tell you that I uncharacteristically have not seen the full episode prior to writing this but I would lay money that this was Lumen returning to the scene of the crime. Dexter, however, after finding a bloody envelope with a fingerprint on it, concludes that "whoever Boyd was working with must have panicked," like WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT, and then he sniffs, "Amateurs," like YOU SHOULD TALK GIVEN EVERYTHING YOU'VE BOTCHED THIS EPISODE SO FAR. Oh, no, I'm yelling at Dexter! I'm sorry -- I know you've been through a lot!

At home, Dexter does not find a match for the print, and then his nanny Sonya (Maria Doyle Kennedy! Marie from the only Queer As Folk I'll ever acknowledge! Catherine of Aragon from The Tudors! How I love her!) comes out with a freshly-bathed Harrison and gets ready to go. Before she leaves, however, Dexter asks if she's ever noticed Harrison being aggressive, and she asks, "Aggressive? What do you mean?" Don't make me start in on you, honey. I'm having enough trouble with Dexter. Anyway, once Sonya has absorbed the concept of "aggression," which they of course do not have in Ireland, she tells Dexter that Harrison's a wonderfully gentle boy, and besides, even if he had a little dust-up it's nothing to worry about. "My brother used to bite people, bloody little cannibal. Now he's a vegetarian. Works for Greenpeace." Does...she actually think her brother would have eaten human flesh if he hadn't gone vegetarian? I feel like I'm getting confused about everything in this episode. What I'm not confused about, though, is the fact that it was in fact Lumen who left her print behind, as when he searches the DMV database he comes up with her name, like, DURR, Dexter. A hilarious little throwaway tidbit on her license, however, is that she's an organ donor, like, make sure you make a note of that if you end up having to stab her to death, Dex!

Dexter goes to Lumen's motel room, and I know he paid it current last time but I don't know why that means it would be untouched at this point, but regardless, after he works some lock mojo, inside he finds a big old Wall of Psycho, with clippings and photos and notes written in CUCKOO SPEAK and the word "RAPE" in about four thousand different places, and Dexter's face is like, "This is a bit crazier than I usually take my crazy, thanks." Still, from this, regardless if there's actually a connection to Boyd, which I still have not heard Lumen actually say, it does seem like she was telling the truth about some other terrible stuff having happened to her. On the other hand, when did she have time to do all this? Just since Dexter rescued her? Seems like a lot of work even for the sufficiently motivated. Anyway, in all the sensory overload you might have missed it, but from the way it's shot I think the paper with three locations on it -- "Venetian Causeway, Julia Tuttle Causeway, North Bay Village" might be significant. We also get a quick focus on a picture of some dude with a beard, and then Harry pops up and literally asks Dexter if all this work seems like the product of a stable mind, like, I know you're being sarcastic but I think I'm still going to have to respond NO. Dexter notices a makeshift bed in the closet and theorizes that Lumen slept in there because "a closet was the only place she felt safe from them," and if she's this nuts I'm surprised she didn't do a Fuentes on Dexter last week instead of just scratching him in the arm. Anyway, Harry urgently uses sock puppets and semaphore flags to try to convey the fact that Lumen has lost her ever-loving mind, but Dexter is too busy with the missing letter he's just located from Boyd's onetime cellmate "Robert Brunner," who wrote that he's getting out on parole and needs a place to "sleap." If there's also any talk of them revisiting "aneal seax," Dexter demurely omits that part. Harry tells Dexter that Lumen's path isn't going to end well, like, thanks for keeping up after you've been on the show for five years, Harry, and then adds that Lumen is going to bring Dexter down. Dexter takes a long moment to contemplate that...

...and then Lumen walks into that same coffeehouse and finds Dexter waiting for her, like, I don't see how he could have gotten a hold of her so did he just guess that she'd come back here even though she has her target now? Whatever, as I told you I love this show, I'm used to things not adding up if you give them three seconds of thought, but this episode really feels like it's not even trying. Anyway, there is an absolutely useless exchange where he tells her he knows what she's doing and she gets offended that he must be spying on her now, like, YOU ASKED HIM TO HELP YOU KILL THEM. It's a little late to be all "Well, I never!" about it now. Anyway, Lumen does concede that Dexter saved her life and she's grateful for that, and honestly, given how much more lucid she is now, THAT'S the cue for Dexter to walk away. I mean, she's acknowledging that she owes him a debt; the implication seems clear that she won't turn him in. However, when she adds that she needs him just to leave her alone now and makes to take off, he grabs her wrist, which would be inadvisable even if she weren't someone who had to SLEEP IN A CLOSET to feel safe. I'm surprised she doesn't stab him with her breakfast fork. Instead, she yells for him not to touch her, getting the attention of the entire restaurant which is just exactly what he needs right now, and Dexter sighs at how difficult his foray into humanitarianism has become, but soldiers on by telling her that "these men put five women in barrels" (consider my issues with him jumping to that conclusion logged) and that they're not going to want to be found. Lumen, however, once again leaves without looking convinced, and DVO at least gets it this time: "She's not going to stop until she finds Brunner." Well, among other people, but you're coming around, DVO.

Back at the office, Batista comes in to tell his wife that Deb has been all over him about her partner's absence. LaGuerta (Lauren Velez! I haven't recapped you since target="_blank">Oz!) lies that that's all on the union, and is similarly untruthful (I'm guessing) when she tells him there's nothing he needs to know about his case with IA. However, when he asks if there's anything he needs to know about anything else, she pretty clearly looks like she wants to tell him something, but in the end merely says she has to go, adding that she might be late coming home. He accepts this with graceful equanimity, and if she weren't so off her game she'd know, as you and I do, exactly what that means...

...which is that he's going to follow the shit out of her. Well, not exactly, but he does see McCourt pick her up in his car, while they don't see him because...he's standing five feet away with minimal cover. Hey, I just work here, although it would have been hilarious if McCourt waved to him on his way out.

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Dexter

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