Dexter
First Blood

Episode Report Card
Couch Baron: C+ | 2 USERS: D
YOU GRADE IT
Leavin' on a Jet Plane…

At Dexter's Kill Pad, he's rushing and trying to get the deed over with as quickly as possible. Harry (I hope I don't have to make it clear that I understand there is no "Harry," as such -- he's Dexter's conscience, devil's advocate, Svengali, whatever he and the story need at the moment), however, urges Dexter to think, pointing out that the guy is a sex offender out on parole. I think the thought is that he doesn't fit the code, but Dexter goes in a different direction with it, ripping open the plastic on the guy to see that, as a sex offender out on parole, he's wearing an ankle bracelet tracker, and thus couldn't have been present at the scene of the crime. Dexter is shocked and appalled that he was ready to kill an "innocent" man, and instead of pointing out that it's not like that hasn't happened before, I'll merely say I hope he learns something from this. But also, if Brunner had to wear this tracker that alerts the authorities when he leaves the Tuttle Bridge area, what was that bullshit he told Dexter about why he didn't stay with Boyd? Is this show going to pretend it can't afford a continuity editor?

As Dexter drops the still-unconscious Brunner back at his, um, campsite, DVO concedes that Harry is right -- he has to convince Lumen to move past what happened to her. Well, you know what will take his mind off his Lumen troubles? Opening his door and finding Deb and Quinn on the couch! To be fair, they're only sitting having a beer while fully clothed, but Dexter is still unamused and, ignoring Quinn entirely, asks Deb what he's doing there. Deb: "He wanted to...borrow...a book." You guys, Deb lies so badly that if I were Dexter, I'd be psyched out to the point where I came all the way back around to believing her. Dexter, hilariously: "He reads?" Hee. Quinn, with affable menace that Dexter probably doesn't detect, replies that he does, and then Deb opens the door for him, but all the shade Dexter threw his way results in him predictably moving to try to plant one on Deb as he leaves, and even though she avoids him by pulling away and tells "Joseph" that she'll call him in the morning, Dexter gets the message, if the "Where's that rancid lobster smell coming from" look on his face is any indication. Adding injury to insult, Quinn looks back and, referring to the pair that he's got in his back pocket, tells Dexter it's a little hot for gloves, and Dexter has no answer to that, which is at least better than stammering an explanation about how he had to borrow some barbed wire.

When Quinn's gone, Dexter asks Deb what's up, and Deb confesses that the two of them are "fuckbuddies." I didn't think there could be a more entertaining response than the raised eyebrow Dexter gives her, but his follow-up proves me wrong: "You need Quinn for that?" HA! Deb admits that it's "insane," but Dexter is not in a mood for any reflexive reassurance, instead saying it's her life, but he doesn't want Quinn around Harrison. Deb is put off by that sentiment, but she has no power in this argument, and even as she tries to tell Dexter he's wrong about Quinn, he closes the door to his bedroom in the middle of her sentence. Might as well head over to Quinn's place, Deb. You can "read" together.

LaGuerta comes home, apologizing for being late and acting shifty as hell while Batista is all "Dinner's in the oven," like, the role reversal is kind of funny but we know from that shit she pulled with Esme back in Season Two that she can be a better liar than this, so either she's not trying hard enough, or she doesn't have anything to hide and is just being squirrely for "dramatic" effect, which would be completely cheap. I mean, it's not like he surprised her, like with Dexter and Deb in the last scene -- she knew she was coming home and would have to tell him something. Get it together, woman.

Anyway, after a palpably slow and bullshit excuse about staying in the office late because of "budgets," she goes to take a shower, leaving Batista to stew about what kind of McCourt fluids she's washing off herself. Oh, but first he checks her phone and sees she's got an appointment scheduled for "Tomorrow" at 2 PM at the "Beach Inn Motel," like, what kind of calendar doesn't list the date, and by the way, it's 6:49 PM, according to the phone, and they're both acting like she was burning the midnight oil. How long could he have been sitting there with "All day long I slave over a hot stove, and this is the thanks I get" thoughts in his head?

Dexter turns back up to the motel and conveniently finds that woman with the power to magically turn collection agencies off hosing down something or other, and she tells him that "his wife" was "asking about Tuttle Bridge," like, she has an ENTIRE BULLETIN BOARD devoted to these guys and has the NAME OF THE BRIDGE ON A POST-IT NOTE and IS ON HER WAY TO COMMIT MURDER, and she has to stop and chat about it? Anyway, Dexter freaks and gets back in the car...

...and then Lumen, wearing a hoodie while she apparently plans to commit murder in BROAD DAYLIGHT, is strolling through the shantytown, which by the way is so lacking in menace that I'm surprised Mommy and Me didn't have their outing here. (Okay, maybe not that surprised.) And actually, when Lumen, devoid of peripheral vision thanks to that stupid hoodie, bumps into some guy, he calls her...an "ASSHOLE"! Such language! I may have the vapors! Anyway, after Lumen looks around for approximately forty minutes, she sees a shirtless Brunner wandering around, and by the way, I wasn't under the impression that Dexter's Kill House was all that nearby, so how is it that Brunner's ankle tag didn't go off last night? For that matter, where are the sensors set up? What's the perimeter? Whatever, I can't believe there are this many plot holes in a single episode and I'm going to end up writing twenty pages if I keep obsessing about them.

Anyway, Lumen takes cover behind one of the bridge supports and, with shaking hands, takes aim at Brunner, but some dude gets in the way, and then he leaves again, and another eternity passes before, just as a train goes by, conveniently obscuring their sounds, Dexter appears and grabs the gun away from her, and then she YELLS at him about how he doesn't know what "those animals" did to her. "Passing me around. I couldn't move! I couldn't stop them!" Apparently you couldn't IDENTIFY them, either, if you were about to kill this guy who wasn't involved. Seriously, WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED TO HER? Instead of asking if she can SHUT UP before she gets them both killed, Dexter tells her it wasn't Brunner, and takes ten years to get to the part about the ankle bracelet, during which Lumen keeps yelling about how Brunner RAPED these WOMEN, like I am not denigrating her feelings at all but she is not going to get her revenge if the dozens of sex offenders decide to KILL HER DEAD. But actually, even though her hoodie's down and she's screaming like a maniac, she draws nothing more than passing interest, and seriously, Lauren Velez and David Zayas were both on Oz. Couldn't they have told the show how to write actual criminals?

Once the idea that Brunner is the wrong man has sunk in, Lumen cries that she just wants to feel better, and instead of suggesting counseling or something that might actually work, Dexter can only tell her that "this is where it leads" and she needs to get on that plane and go home. Lumen cries for a bit more as the CHILD RAPISTS politely continue to give her space to work out her issues and Brunner also very considerately declines to take a few steps over to see what's up, which is nice because if he did he would see THE DUDE WHO STUCK A NEEDLE IN HIS NECK LAST NIGHT, like, why Dexter isn't the one wearing the hoodie I also can't imagine. Finally, however, Lumen tells Dexter she'll go home, and I think she's talking about Minnesota but I'd be satisfied with her just going back to the damn motel at this point.

Deb and her translator have apparently struck out at their first five locations, and Cira babbles something about putting positive energy out into the

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Dexter

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