First Blood

Episode Report Card
Couch Baron: C+ | 2 USERS: D
Leavin' on a Jet Plane…
universe, a sentiment for which Deb only has a withering glare, which I respect. Turns out they're both kind of right, though, as when they get to the porch, they realize they're onto something, but the fact that a foul stench slaps them in the face and they see flies buzzing around through the window suggests that whatever it is will be completely gross. And indeed, once they kick the door down and fight their way through the worsened stink to one of the bedrooms, they discover two desiccated corpses, and I think their tongues and eyes were removed by the Fuentes brothers but the maggots currently crawling on their faces might also be to blame. NASTY. Deb valiantly resists the urge to vomit, which is more than I can say for Cira, and honey, is that really the kind of positive stuff you were talking about putting out there? Deb calls it in as Cira tries to regain her composure...

...and then Batista's pulling up to the BEACH INN MOTEL I HATE THAT REDUNDANT NAME SO MUCH, and after he looks through a couple curtains he sees his wife apparently getting dressed after screwing McCourt, like, I didn't hear anything about her being the best lay in Miami. Regardless of these technicalities, Batista busts in and is ready to take McCourt's head off, but LaGuerta yells at him that she's participating in a sting. Which is fine, but why did she act like she'd turned into the Town Pump ever since McCourt showed up? I'm surprised the director didn't have her walking funny too.

Anyway, when McCourt has given them some privacy, LaGuerta upbraids Batista for his intrusion and tells him she was helping IA so they'd close the books on his bar fight, which again, fine on the merits but I don't see why she couldn't have told him, or at least told him that there was something going on and she'd tell him what it was later, but this whole subplot has been handled in such an obviously cheap and sensationalistic manner that I'm victimizing us all by even discussing it further. Anyway, we're spared any further inane arguing by the two of them being called to the scene of the Maggot Murders, and when LaGuerta snits that she'll ride with the patrolmen and opens the door to the adjoining room we see that the target of the sting in question, who's clearly been listening to the two of them fight, is actually Peter Weller, better known as RoboCop. How the mighty have fallen, and I'm not just talking about his looks. Batista and RoboCop exchange a look before the former leaves in disgust and McCourt walks the latter out...

...and then the embattled couple shows up to the murder site, and after Deb brings them up to speed on how she and Cira tracked down the victims, Dexter tells them that even though the bodies have started to mummify (has everyone in this neighborhood lost their sense of smell?) he can tell that there's evidence of machete wounds. Deb of course thinks the Fuentes brothers are responsible, but Masuka isn't so sure -- there's none of the ritualistic paraphernalia that they found with the other victims. Unless the MAGGOTS ATE IT. Dexter suggests it might have been their first kill, which would explain the relative lack of skill used in committing the crime. Deb thinks that puts them back at square one, but when she goes to get a jacket to cover how horrible her shirt now smells, she sees a drawing of -- wait for it -- the eye that the adorable kid drew. Peeling away the posters around it, she discovers that it was never a tattoo, but a hand stamp from a nightclub, and she turns and yells this news across the street with about as much subtlety as Lumen exhibited in the rapist shantytown, like, I know you're excited but do you want to clue the whole neighborhood in here?

After LaGuerta coldly tells Batista to go see what Deb is on about, Masuka inexplicably tells Dexter that they're all together again, "One big happy family," and Dexter looks around goofily for ten minutes before agreeing to himself. I hate to demur, but Quinn is not here, and even though Dexter is surely happy about that it makes Masuka's comment even more weird and tacked on than it already was. Also, Dex, you know who else is missing from your happy family? YOUR DEAD WIFE AND HER TWO KIDS. Is it me?

Dexter sees Lumen to airport security, and after some discussion of her paying him back for the ticket, he TELLS HER HIS SURNAME, like, that is information she never needed to know, particularly since he ends up declining her offer. I mean, I'm sure this is a callback to that stupid bit about her not trusting him, but seriously? Lie. You're one of the few people who does that well around here. Anyway, Lumen bitterly offers that she came to Miami for a fresh start someplace warm, and adds that she tried to call her parents, but she couldn't. "What would I say?" She goes on that she can't possibly tell them what happened, or tell anyone for that matter, and looks at Dexter as she notes that he's the only one who knows. Meeting her need, he reminds her that she has his number (well, if that's true, I guess the last name thing was beside the point) and she can call him if she needs to talk about it. She considers that for a moment and then thanks him again before heading to enter the security line, and Dexter once again wipes his brow in what I'm guessing is a highly premature manner before taking off. And indeed, we do not leave the scene, as we cut ahead to Lumen going through the metal detector, which goes off twice even though the second time she's removed her jewelry. Honey, I hope you remembered to leave the gun at home, too. Anyway, the pat-down is too much for Lumen and causes her almost to totally freak out, which is understandable, given that the woman is so physically intimate with her I'm surprised she doesn't give her a voucher for a free airport dinner after. Lumen is, like, the dictionary definition of a panic attack...

...but we don't see what ultimately happens, as we instead cut to Deb calling Quinn, who's in a bar, and telling him about the break in the Fuentes case. Quinn offers to pick up some steaks and beer to celebrate, but after he disconnects, we see he has some other business to attend to, as he is with RoboCop, who...I'm sorry, what did he do? Was he jerking off in the next room? Did LaGuerta pose as a prostitute? This is just another unbelievably flimsy setup. He was CAUGHT in a STING! They're going to be talking about this one for years! Eesh. Anyway, Quinn, who apparently has a history with RoboCop, commiserates with him about how LaGuerta screwed them both or whatever, and RoboCop works blue for a while before he says he's going to fight "this thing" and not cop a plea. Thanks for clarifying! What kind of sentence is committing a "this thing" bringing these days? Anyway, Quinn tells RoboCop that he might have a paid job for him, and if Quinn is shelling out his own money to try to come up with something on Dexter when he knows that Dexter was out on assignment when Rita was killed, you have to wonder about his mental stability, considering the only thing he really has against Dexter is that he saw Quinn lift some money from a crime scene and wouldn't make him feel good about it afterward. I mean, the fact that he's right doesn't make all this right, you know? They engage in a little dick-measuring, and then Quinn gives RoboCop Dexter's name as RoboCop downs his twelfth shot since the scene began. He and Batista should go out drinking sometime.

We're back where we started, as Dexter is helping put up that canopy again as he tells us that rainbows are an illusion, which is dumb, but not as dumb as those two women from the first scene who are chatting loudly about how Harrison just had to be the one who scratched "Teddy," and then they talk about what happened to Rita and how "that boy will never be the same," like, nice to have any sympathy for a one-year-old whose mother was brutally murdered, and also you didn't seem to give two shits when it actually happened and NO ONE TALKS LIKE THAT. Dexter, who's come up fast beside them, sniffs that there's nothing wrong with his son, and it's not like I necessar

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