Dexter

Episode Report Card
Mr. Stupidhead: B | 2 USERS: A
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"Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of Dex..."

Over at Rita's, Dexter's dropping off Cody and Astor, who want to know where Rita is. Dexter explains that she had errands to run before the tricking and/or treating extravaganza that evening. Astor tells him they're too tired to go, which is bullshit because she's, like, nine, and that's just impossible. Cody continues, "It was that damn dog!" and Dexter reprimands him lightly for using grown-up language. "Besides, I don't think that dog will be bothering you anymore." "How do you know?" asks Cody. "Because I took that dog's owner and chopped her into little bits and threw those bits into the ocean. I then catapulted that dog into outer space, using the world's biggest catapult, to which I have access, being connected to the MDPD as I am." He actually doesn't say that, which is a shame, sort of. He says, "My mystic powers told me." Astor mentions that she heard Lindsay Lohan say "damn," and Dexter grabs her by the throat and throttles her, saying over and over, "She's not a role model! She's not a role model!" until the end of the episode. Okay, that's also a raging lie. But Dex does take her aside to say, "Okay, I'll make you a deal. When you become a rock star, you can say 'Damn,' too." Just then, we hear a woman's voice shouting, "Walter! Walter!" Oh, this should be good. Salty Asshole busts out of her fence, and immediately trains her eyes on Dexter. "Where's my dog? What'd you do with it?" "It"? You suck. I think it's a "he." Dexter raises his arms up and makes the "duh-I-dunno" face as some really happy music comes on the score and we see...

...Rita, who's driving the dog around in her newly-acquired Christ-mobile. It seems that she's arranged for Walter to take up with a new family who actually wants him, because when she stops the car, a mother and her two girls run up and instantly start playing with him. As soon as he's in their arms, he shuts up, and the whole scene is not only mega-cute, but also rad for Rita because this is the first time we've seen her asserting herself like this. The mother tells Rita, "You did a good thing. Thank you." Rita looks overjoyed to have dealt with the situation so productively (albeit illegally, but she's got the law on her side). I'm kind of sad that Dexter isn't going to have to kill Salty after all. Sigh.

Speak of the devil and he appears! As we get way too familiar with Dexter's pores (thanks, Showtime HD), he VOs that "Harry was the only one who saw me., really saw me, so he taught me to hide, and that's what's kept me safe." He's looking over the 3D models of Tucci's body parts on his laptop. "But sometimes, I'm not sure where Harry's vision of me ends and the real me starts. If I'm just a collection of learned behaviors, bits and pieces of Harry, maybe my new friend is right. Maybe I am a fraud." Hmm; good points, all. There's a knock at his door that he clearly doesn't expect, so he shuts his laptop and heads over to the door. Hey, it's Rita! Immediately suspicious at this unannounced visit, Dexter queries her as to the whereabouts of her offspring. Apparently, they're "passed out in a sugar coma at Colleen's." I can't wait to actually meet this Colleen person. Well, that's not true; I can probably wait. Anyway, Rita asks to come in. "Oh, yeah. Sorry," says Dexter, noticing that's she's got on a trench coat, which...really? In Miami? Maybe I'm misunderstanding Florida, but isn't it basically always ass-hot down there? Dexter says, "I must warn you, I haven't really been myself lately," and Rita suggests that perhaps she could "cheer" him up as she begins to untie the strap on her coat. Wait, dude, she's wearing gloves? What the...? Oh, I see. It's Halloween, and she's dressed as Lara Croft, Tomb Raider. And she pulls it off, I don't mind telling you, boy. Now, I've interviewed Ms. Benz, and I have the utmost respect for her, but she looks smoooooking hot. Yikes. I just bit my fist. That's right.

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Dexter

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