Dexter

Episode Report Card
Mr. Stupidhead: B | 2 USERS: A
YOU GRADE IT
"Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of Dex..."

Dex makes his way to the neighbor's front porch, where a motion-detecting rubber skeleton jumps around and laughs as he passes by. He stops and admires it for a second, and rings the doorbell. A woman, seemingly in her mid-thirties, opens the door. "Hello," Dexter says cheerily. "I don't think we've met." "Boyfriend of the blonde next door?" she offers saltily. "I've seen you around. Look, I'm just getting in. I'm tired." Dexter tells her that's "precisely" why he's there. "We can't help but notice your dog...cries. A lot." Salty Asshole goes on to "explain" that her ex took off without the dog. "Trust me, I wish there was something I could do." Well, you could start by wiping that sarcastic grin off your shitty face, douchebag. Ahem. "You could, uh, take him inside." "Walter's an outside dog." "Hey, you put Walter inside, Walter's an inside dog," Dex replies, far more amiably than I would at this point. "He doesn't like being inside." At this, Dexter gets this face on him...I wish I could hug Michael C. Hall sometimes, because honestly, it's the nuances like this that make him so good. It's a very subtle shift, and his eyebrows crease ever so slightly, and now he's visibly annoyed. "Look, we'd really appreciate if you could find a way to keep him quiet. Kids are upset." "Maybe that's because they think their crackhead father's going to come back and beat their asses again." Ooh, not fucking cool! "You know what works for me? Earplugs." Salty then slams the door in Dexter's face, and he's...well, he's Dexter, and as he slowly walks back to Rita's place, he VOs, "I could make things so much easier for Rita...but that would be wrong." Yeah, I don't know, dude. Just kill her.

It's night, and some dude in a piece-of-crap werewolf mask roars like a douche and the girl he's with giggles, even though it's not even close to funny. Wow, that was unnecessarily harsh. "I love Halloween," Dexter VOs matter-of-factly. "The one time of year when everyone wears a mask, not just me." He's in a costume store, and some kid is trying on a George W. Bush mask. "People think it's fun to pretend you're a monster. Me, I spend my life pretending I'm not. Brother, friend, boyfriend...all part of my costume collection." Uh huh. Ah, I see. Rita's here, too, with the kids. They're all messing around, looking at costumes, playing with retractable knives. Referring to the kids, Dexter observes, "They're so excited." "Sure they are," says Rita. "They get to binge on sugar for an entire day. Who wouldn't love that?" Dexter wonders what Rita's going to go as, and holds up a standard witch costume as a suggestion. Rita says she'll probably just go as Snow White, as usual. "It's kind of a tradition." Whatever. Astor says that she's a princess, too, and Dexter agrees. Cody says he wants to be some Blue's Clues character. Joe, I think. Rita rolls her eyes, saying, "A rugby shirt is not a costume." Cool, I guess? See you guys. I'll be with...

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Dexter

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