With the hurricane bearing down on Miami, Dexter, Hannah and Harrison are desperately trying to get out of the city. I mean, not so desperate that Hannah will consider dyeing or cutting her hair, apparently. And just driving out of Miami to fly out from a less conspicuous place doesn't appear to be an option, at least until Elway shows up at the airport. Dexter puts Elway at the center of an airport bomb scare, but naturally that grounds their flight too. So the next option is to get on Fleeing The Hurricane bus lines, only Harrison and Hannah wind up going without Dexter, because he has to settle things with Poor Man's Ryan Gosling, a.k.a. Daniel Saxon.
Saxon gets himself sewn up by a veterinarian and uses him -- by cutting out his tongue -- as a distraction at the hospital so he can get to Deb, but is arrested moments before a battle with Dexter. Deb, who appeared to be out of the woods, suffers a blood clot and has a massive stroke and is now essentially a vegetable. Dexter gets to Saxon in jail by administering a gunshot residue test, and then kills him with a pen to the throat after enticing Saxon to try to do it first, thereby ensuring it looks like self-defense.
Except as Bautista and Quinn watch the video, it looks less like self-defense and more like the work of a cold-blooded psycho. Quinn and Bautista both look like the video stinks, but in the end, it's "Enjoy Argentina, Dex," anyway.
Elway shows up on Hannah and Harrison's bus due to his matrix of "contacts" across Miami, a late confrontation that seems pointless when Hannah just knocks him out with a tranquilizer and continues on her merry way. What she doesn't know is that Dexter has decided that he is toxic to the people he loves and is not coming to Argentina. In the midst of hurricane hospital chaos, Dexter unplugs Deb's life support, and then carries her lifeless body out to the Slice of Life. I know it's a hurricane and everything, but I still think a civilian carrying a sheet-covered corpse and leaving with it in the back of his boat might attract attention.
He dumps Deb's body overboard and then sets his controls for the heart of the hurricane. Eventually, the coast guard find a piece of the boat, and it's "Well, Dexter's dead," which is basically the headline on the banner above-the-fold newspaper story that Hannah reads over Argentinian wifi.
And then Dexter has a beard and is a lumberjack.
Daniel is a writer in Newfoundland with a wife and a daughter. Well, at least it was a better finale than Under the Dome's. Follow him on Twitter (@DanMacEachern) or email him at email@example.com.
Wow. What an utter train wreck. I've watched worse hours of television, but I'm not sure I've seen a series finale that had such little idea what it was doing before. Aside from the first season, the show on balance has been only a grade or two higher than shit, and I expected very little from this team given the last few episodes, but I'm sorry for anyone who was still invested in the show, because I can't imagine this not having been a colossal disappointment. But it does have the benefit of being over…as soon as I finish this, so I'm not going to put it off any longer:
We open in the airport with Dexter hustling Harrison to the gate despite the kid's protests that he wants some Oreos. Can't blame him -- the number of those things I scarfed down as a kid would probably fill the room I'm sitting in and then some. When they reach the appointed spot, though, Dexter looks around and realizes Hannah is nowhere to be seen, and the reason why quickly comes in the form of a phone call from her telling him that she's holed up in the restroom because Elway is in the boarding area. Dexter takes cover behind a large sign and then looks around and spots Elway. (You'd think Elway wouldn't have taken his eyes off the gate, but such minor contrivances should probably be beneath my notice in an episode with so many bigger issues). Dexter realizes that not only are they not going to be able to board but Hannah's not even going to be able to get out of the bathroom unless he does something about Elway, so with the plane boarding, he hangs up and asks Harrison if he wants some Oreos after all. Harrison's like, oh, I see, I only get Oreos if they fit into your twisted machinations, and if that's the only way I can have them I'd rather go without! Or "yay," depending on whether you want what actually happened on screen. It's not hard to imagine you wouldn't. They head to a stand, and while Harrison busies himself picking out a toy at Dexter's behest, Dexter grabs a backpack and a few sundries.
Then heads up to the gate, flashes his MM ID, and tells the woman behind the counter he just saw a guy leave "that bag" (we get a shot of the backpack underneath some nearby seats), and it sure looked like he left it behind on purpose! No doubt having sat through more security meetings than she cares to remember, the woman looks warily at the ironically cheery plaid bag as she asks Dexter if he saw where the owner went, and he points at Elway. The woman gets on the horn, and within a few seconds Elway -- who's just left yet another message for Dead Clayton -- is smoothly corralled by airport security. Once he's led away, Dexter calls Hannah and gives her the all-clear, and she emerges so they can triumphantly board the plane. Only, Dexter's little stunt catches them in the fallout when an announcement comes over the PA that the area is being evacuated due to a security concern. Well, live by the plaid backpack, die by the plaid backpack. Somewhat despondently, they head for the exits, and the fact that Harrison has not bitten through the cellophane to get at those cookies yet shows, yet again, that this is not real life.