Dirty Sexy Money

Episode Report Card
DeAnn Welker: B | Grade It Now!
Hurtling Toward the End

I am just going to warn you right up front that it's 90 degrees here. At 10 p.m. And I hate heat. So if I'm cranky or mean to the show, just blame that. Or, you know, blame the show. But don't blame me. I cannot be held responsible for anything I say in the heat. (Also, remind me, in the future, to TiVo all shows I weecap in my bedroom, where we have a window air conditioner.) Even though we probably could actually use previouslies this week, there aren't any. Lucky for you, there are all those weecaps. Enjoy.

We open with Letitia and Karen watching lingerie models in a private showing at home. Letitia loves everything, which prompts a response of "pass" from Karen. She says she won't like anything her mother likes. And it's difficult to care about lingerie when there's no one to dream of modeling it for. And remember how she has four failed marriages and then a failed wedding, since Simon traded her for stock in the company? Letitia's all, Sing it sister! Men always let you down. She starts in about the one thing that never lets you down, and Karen stops her, afraid they're about to talk vibrators, and that's just too weird to do with your mom. But Letitia's not talking about that. She's talking about her children. Um, wait a second. The mother of Karen, Patrick, Jeremy, Juliet, and Brian Darling has never been let down by her children? Talk about some alcohol-induced delusion. Karen takes the compliment, though, and totally believes it, because she's just as delusional. It's genetic.

Somewhere in New York, Nick shows up at school to turn in a permission slip for Kiki to go on a field trip at school. He forgot it yesterday. But the teacher's like, "Your wife said Kiki wouldn't be here today." Nick has no idea what that's about, so he calls Lisa, who explains that she's with a client in Baltimore. Nick tells her it's his weekend, and she cannot "kidnap our daughter," especially without telling him. I have to admit it's sort of a bitchy thing to do. Why did they make Lisa so terrible all of a sudden?

Somewhere in a limo in D.C., Patrick's on the phone telling Tripp how at home he feels in his new job and new city. Where he's been for A DAY. Tripp's happy about that and all, but has other motives for calling. He'd like Patrick to remedy a problem Tripp himself caused a few years ago: putting "the kibosh" on Simon Elder's biofuel deal. But now that Simon's his partner, and Tripp shares in the profits, Tripp would like to have that reversed. So if Patrick could talk to the senator, Charles Watley, who chairs the committee and get him to reverse his position, that would be excellent. Patrick will see what he can do, but he's not going to be unethical. Nick comes in as Tripp's getting off the phone, and asks to borrow the jet to get Kiki back. He explains what happened, and Tripp tells him to take the jet and go. Nick leaves.

Jeremy and Nola are finishing having sex in a pretty white bed with a red blanket. She wonders how much longer he can keep this up, and he makes some reference to his manliness while I resist the urge to say "That's what she said." But Nola's talking about the fake amnesia thing. Jeremy says as long as it takes to convince Simon he remembers nothing. He plans to move in and gain Simon's trust and get close enough to figure out where Simon's stashed Nola's brother. Nola says Jeremy's not really smart enough to do that, and Simon's too smart for that, so it won't happen. Unless Simon thinks it's his idea. Jeremy's all, "Let's do that then." And they make out some more. Because nothing makes either of them hotter than talk of little brothers, kidnappings, and sociopaths.

Nick boards the private jet, where Clark greets him. Nick asks if Clark would please change the music away from opera since it's just the two of them on this trip. But it's not just the two of them: Brian's already on board, and he mocks Nick -- "What do you wanna do? Listen to NPR? It's not gonna happen." Nick sits down and tells Brian he's going to D.C. Brian says he is too, but he won't tell Nick why. He says it's classified, and that if he tells Nick that might lead to an actual conversation. Brian tells Clark they need to leave now, but Clark says they're waiting for the last passenger to board. It's Karen. Of course. She stumbles on the plane and says she's going to an exclusive boutique outside of D.C., where she will shop for sperm. Brian and Nate look skeptical, and she's all, "Buckle up boys. Karen Darling ... is gonna have a bay-bee." Opening credits.

In the air, Karen's still explaining how her mom gave her the idea, which she was totally against at first because of "baby poo and holding ... things," but she got a physical and did research on "sperm and their banks," and she got sucked in. Nick's all, "What a lovely thought." She tells him not to do this to her, that he already stopped her from marrying Simon, and not to stop her from having Coco. Brian and Nick, in unison, "Coco?" She says that's its name. She's going to pick out a donor and then "shhedule [sic] a squirt or whatever you call it." No one says anything, so Karen screams, "Support me, people! Come on!" Nick would like to, but before he can wax philosophical about whatever, Brian interrupts and says Nick has no room to talk about parenting. Then he goes on to say that the minute he and Lisa broke up, Nick should have accused her of child abuse and loose living. Karen agrees, but Nick protests that would have been, you know, lying. Brian's all, "So what." Oh, did you forget he's a preacher again? Well, he is. He's even wearing his collar, so it makes this especially entertaining. Brian says you've got to play dirty when it comes to kids.

Karen asks why Brian's going to D.C., and he says he's giving a benediction for a state dinner that Patrick's hosting. Turbulence starts and Clark warns them to hold tight. It gets worse, though, so Karen asks Brian to please pray, just in case God doesn't feel the same way about him that everyone else does. Brian refuses to pray to God for protection from a world he made dangerous, and that Karen should just tough it out. The turbulence gets even worse, and Brian says he'll go ahead and put a word in. He tells Nick and Karen to bow their "friggin' heads." I love preacher Brian most of all.

Simon's in his wood-paneled abode on the phone with someone who will not be identified. He acts like the person is his boss, though, all "When have I ever given you reason to doubt my loyalty?" Followed by "I'm sorry. I promise I'll get it done." He sees Nola on one of his monitors and ends the call. She's there to give Simon the minutes to Patrick's session with the agricultural committee, saying Patrick held his own. She tries to turn and leave, but Simon would like to discuss that hickey on her neck first, please. She tells him it's from Jeremy. When Simon reminds her Jeremy's supposed to have amnesia, she says he does, and that she guesses they just have chemistry. Simon begins to warn her about what would happen if he were ever to find out the amnesia was less than genuine, but he doesn't get to finish his threat before she says he remembers nothing, and walks out. Simon looks thoughtful, which tells us this is all part of Nola's master plan to make Simon think befriending Jeremy is his idea, right? Or something.

Cut to John Schneider in a Senatorial-looking office. He asks Patrick what he can do for him. Patrick's there to speak to him about Simon's biodiesel project. Schneider (Senator Watley, I presume) knows it's a joint venture now, and that Tripp would like the position reversed now. But he asks Patrick to tell Tripp that the position he pressured him into taking in the past is one he's come to agree with, and he's not reversing his position. Patrick meekly tries again, by citing data, but Watley says no and then tells Patrick to also tell Tripp he hopes he rots in

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Dirty Sexy Money




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