Dirty Sexy Money

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DeAnn Welker: B | Grade It Now!
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Hurtling Toward the End
hell. So, that's a no, then?

The turbulence on the Darling jet has gotten so bad that glasses are crashing all over the place. Clark's talking to the cabin about it all. Karen freaks out. Nick tries to call Clark on a phone thing, and Clark tells Nick he's a little busy, but they should buckle their seat belts. Karen sidles up next to Nick, buckles hers, and tells Nick he loves her, really. Brian (and me): "You've got to be kidding me!" Nick doesn't know what's always kept him and Karen apart, but he knows in his heart she's "the one" and she always has been. They kiss, and Brian tries not to cry. Not because of the fear, but because of the disgust that his brother and sister are making out, most likely. The turbulence ends, and Clark tells them he's sorry about that. Karen moves away from Nick, pulls out her nail file, and is all, "You were saying?" Does anyone even remember what was being said before the turbulence? I know Nick doesn't.

The jet has landed somewhere, and Clark answers Brian's "Where the hell are we?" by telling him they're in Wilkes-Berry, Pennsylvania. Brian freaks out and says he made a commitment and people are counting on him. Karen says she might be late, too, but she's not throwing a fit. He says he'd be calm, too, if he had a river of vodka running through him. Nick suggest they drive, so they rent a ... convertible. And there's our episode title. As they're speeding along with Brian at the wheel, Karen wonders why she couldn't drive. Other than the vodka? Brian offers that she drives like Grandma Darling. Nick says, "Oh yeah, and you drive like Bo Duke." Nice. I wonder if John Schneider can be on anything without a reference to The Dukes of Hazzard. I'm guessing not. Anyway, Brian's in a hurry, but he has to pee.

While Karen and Nick wait for Brian, Karen tells him she's not going to talk about the declaration on the plane, because she doesn't need to, since she knows he meant it. He protests that the plane was going down, and she says that's how she knows it was from his heart. She wonders what he'll do now. But Patrick calls, so he takes it. Patrick wonders why Watley hates Tripp so much, but Nick says that was before his time, though he acknowledges the hate for Tripp isn't unlikely since he has plenty of enemies. Nick tells Patrick they're running a little late with his minister, but Patrick has no idea what he's talking about, since there is no big state dinner. Brian comes out of the woods, and Karen races him to the driver's seat. She wins, and Brian hops in back.

Jeremy's at Simon's, because he wanted to see him. He tells Jeremy he'd like to talk over a little rumor about him. He heard from Tripp that Jeremy and Nola are having a relationship. Jeremy plays dumb (which he's quite good at) and wonders if she's Simon's girlfriend. Simon basically says no way in hell, and tells Jeremy that she's bad news, and has done all sorts of bad stuff to Jeremy's family. Simon thinks she intends more harm. He says she's looking for political leverage against Tripp, and is out to destroy Jeremy and his entire family. Jeremy looks dumb (probably not an act). Simon just thought he should know.

Somewhere outside of D.C., Karen pulls up to her fertility clinic, and she goes inside. Nick immediately asks Brian why he's in a rush to get to D.C. since Patrick outed him as not having a state dinner. Brian says his ex called. FINALLY! They acknowledge her existence. Nick asks if it was about child support, so they are even acknowledging that Brian Jr. is not his only child. Thanks for that, show. Seriously. Anyway, that's not what it's about. She wants to have an affair, and he's all for it because of the soul-crushing monotony of marriage. Nick points out he's been married to Andrea for four weeks. Brian looks like, "So?" Karen comes back and says it's cold and medical in there, so they need to come with her. Both of them.

In a sperm bank office, Karen tells a woman behind the desk that she wants someone special, and can't bring just anyone's chromosomes into this family. The lady says Karen must know how discerning they are here with their sperm. Karen's all, "Yeah, and I don't want any of these Nobel Prize people either, because ... the peace!" Yeah, peace is terrible. Way to take a stand. Karen hilariously says she doesn't want anyone too smart, either, because she doesn't want to breast feed a nerd. Hee. Karen wants someone well-rounded. And by that she means "cute." Nick's sitting by Karen this whole time, and now Brian walks in to ask what's taking so friggin' long. Nick tells Brian to back off since Karen's not buying a pair of shoes. Karen explains what physical attributes she wants: someone who looks good in both French and Italian designers. More specifically: 6'2", 170-175 pounds, dirty blonde leaning toward sandy auburn, and no back hair. The lady says Nick fits the description perfectly. Karen agrees. Brian makes a weird noise and then apologizes for having thrown up in his mouth a little. Karen tells Nick to face the facts that he should be her baby daddy.

In the car at night, Nick tells Karen he's not ready to be a father again. She tells him the baby would be hers and he wouldn't have to do anything, except sleep with her. Brian's like, "Who hasn't?!" Nick says he wants to concentrate on getting his own kid back right now. Karen thinks Nick doesn't think she'd be a good mom, but he says that's not true. She says he's comparing her to Lisa, and that she would never steal his child away from him like Lisa did. Except that she's asking him to have a child and not be in its life at all, so she kind of would. She gets all teary and says she just wants one pure, simple relationship in her life about her being her best for someone else. If that means it's with someone who wears a diaper and doesn't speak English, then so be it. Okay, first: that is no reason to have a child, dumbass. And also, how many mother-child relationships do you know of that are simple? The car dies, and Brian says Karen's sincerity killed it. They start walking.

Tripp and Patrick are on the phone again. Did Donald Sutherland sign a contract saying he would only act over the phone for this episode or something? Patrick says Watley's mad, blah, blah, blah because Tripp squeezed him pretty heard. Tripp says he never squeezed anybody ever. Right, Tripp. We're all buying that. Patrick doesn't want to push Watley any further, and tells Tripp to fix this problem himself. Tripp says he rarely asks Patrick for anything (liar!), but this is for the family. He tells him, rather menacingly, to go back to Watley and get it done. Patrick says, "Right, Dad. You've never squeezed anybody." Patrick just needs to cut off that toxic family.

Jeremy comes home to Nola, and tells her their worries are over. She thinks it's unlikely, but he says Simon's so convinced that he told Jeremy all about Nola's checkered past. She says it's a test, and asks how bad the things he said were. Jeremy says they're pretty bad, so she says he'll have to do something pretty bad to her. Duh-duh. And also: Who cares? Nick calls Lisa and says he's in a hotel outside of D.C., and is coming to get Kiki tomorrow. She wonders why Nick came down here and spoiled Kiki's weekend, since they had fun plans to go horseback riding tomorrow. Nick thought Lisa was working. It's all very tedious parental spat stuff. Lisa asks him if he's feeling guilty for being an absentee father all these years, and he's trying to make up for it with this grand gesture. She says Kiki's fine without him, so he shouldn't ruin her weekend trying to prove to himself he's a good father.

Back in a hotel room, Brian asks what happened, and Nick tells him that Lisa accused of him feeling guilty for not being a better father. He's all, "Whatever," but Brian says not whatever and asks what Nick said. He said nothing, and asks what he was supposed to say. Brian offers these helpful ideas: "You're a lying, cheating bitch." "You care more about your art gallery than the integrity of our relationship." Nick says she's not all wrong, though, because he has been absent since he's worked for the Darlings, just like his dad was when he was a kid. He says Lisa's right and Kiki's better off without him. Brian kicks him out because, as his half-brother, he's doing him no favors listening to this self-pitying crap. He says that Nick's a much better father than most. Oh, and also, Brian's sex-texting with Mei-Ling and is ready to take it to the next level.

In Karen's room, she tells Nick to sleep on the floor, but nowhere near her in case he thinks an impure thought and impregnates her. He gets on the bed and tells her that Lisa told him he's a bad father and would Karen cut him a break. She says okay, but just this once. He asks what she wants, but Karen says he's not a bad father and he must know that. He says he doesn't know what he knows anymore. Karen says if the proof is in the pudding (the pudding being Kiki), he's a great father, because Lisa couldn't have done that alone. They flirt a little, and she says they can try a practice run at making a baby. He tells her if they're going to be together in a good, constructive way (never going to happen), it's not going to happen in this hotel room that smells like curry. So she asks him to just sleep in her bed with her. He agrees to that. They snuggle in the bed with all the lights on and their clothes on. Karen says it's like junior high, and Nick says, "Yeah, if we'd grown up in Bombay." Must be some strong curry in the room. Lights off, but they still stay in their clothes.

Over in Brian's room, he greets Mei-Ling and thanks her for meeting him halfway. She says it wasn't a problem, and then compliments his room sarcastically. He says, "You know: Man plans, God laughs." He tells her it's a long story. They compliment each other for looking good. She s

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Dirty Sexy Money

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