Dirty Sexy Money

Episode Report Card
Djb: B+ | Grade It Now!
I Won't Find It Fantastic Or Think It Absurd

Over in a posh hotel room, Patrick and Ellen continue their highly functional, not-at-all-Clinton-esque marriage. Ellen asks Patrick if he's set up a meeting with Paula Jones -- sorry, "Carmelita" -- and Patrick wishes he could have been drinking something so that he could have done a spit take when he hears his wife mention her name. Patrick claims that this maybe isn't the greatest time for a sit down, seeing as Carmelita has finals coming up for her cosmetology school. Ellen asks when a good time might be for Carmelita, and Patrick answers a question with a question, wondering what exactly Ellen wants to talk to her about. She tells him to just make it happen if he wants to stay married to her. So far, this episode seems to be choking one hell of an hour out of the logline, "Everybody goes to meetings."

Inside the Darling manse, an elevator door opens revealing Karen and some gentleman in a leather jacket Karen refers to as Georgio. They engage in some heavy petting, Karen thanking him coming (I think that's how she means for me to spell it...I think) on such short notice, and he responds, "Any time you get divorced, Karen, I'm here for you." Wow. This guy gets a ton of play from her, then. She exits the elevator and the doors slide closed, Karen making her way into the dining room and discovering Brian and Jeremy eating. One can only imagine the conversation those two were having before Karen came in. I think it would go a little something like this:

Brian: Didn't you used to have a twin sister?

Luckily, Karen manages to turn the conversation to herself in any room she enters, so Jeremy tells Karen that it's "inspiring" to see that Georgio is always there for her when she needs him. Brian mutters a quiet, "It takes a village," but Karen pays him no mind, noting that her night of meaningless post-divorce sex was even more meaningless than usual. She steals Brian's pancakes and lets him get a word in edgewise. He tells them that he misses his son, and Karen asks, "Brian Jr. left? Where'd he go?" Brian shouts that his mother came and took him away a week ago, standing angrily but standing in one place because he knows the scene isn't over yet. Karen reminds him, "You know how the justice system works. Whoever has the most money wins, right?" And while I find that sentiment to be the honest truth (see: O.J., Michael Jackson, entire current presidential administration), I find it a little hard to believe that rich people talk to each other in such stark terms about their money and its influence. Then again, I once would have believed that the unironic use of a bumper sticker reading "Whoever dies with the most toys wins" would be impossible, but I vaguely remember the '80s and know that such a thing is not impossible. Brian thanks her for the advice, and Karen thanks him for the pancakes, and Brian takes his leave. Once he's gone, Karen turns her attention to Jeremy, asking if Brian was wearing cologne. Jeremy says that he is the culprit, explaining to Karen that there is a girl at the garage who won't go out with him because he's "just a valet." Karen, somewhat hilariously, asks, "So you're gonna knock her unconscious with your cologne and then, what, shanghai her?" Growing up, many a teenage boy on Long Island attempted a similar strategy with the liberal application of Drakkar Noir. Karen suggests just telling this woman that he's Jeremy Darling, but he tells her that he wants to be liked for something besides his money. Dude, you already admitted that she wouldn't go out with you because you're "just a valet." You already know she's shallow, and she probably knows who you are anyway. Jeremy says that she can never find out that he's a Darling, and Karen points a fork at him and asserts, "That is a good plan. Good plan, my friend." And sure, she's being sarcastic, but a good rule of thumb in matters of the heart is that if Karen Darling doesn't think it's a good idea, you should run with it immediately.

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Dirty Sexy Money




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