Dirty Sexy Money
The Facts

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DeAnn Welker: D | 1 USERS: B-
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And Then Nothing Happened
says no, because she met someone last night and is having brunch with him and his ex-wife, his stepmom, and his kindergarten crush. She'd love to invite him along, but that would be weird. Karen's walking down the street later when Simon stops her and says he's persistent. She corrects: "stalkerish." Simon says he talked to Alma, and is going to limit their relationship to just co-parenting Elon. He tells her there are reasons he and Alma aren't together, but Karen's the first woman he's really cared about in a long time. They kiss. Awwww. Clark's all, "See! Nick had nothing to do with it." And he would like to go stuff the Thanksgiving turkey now. But Rena's having none of it, because she also heard Letitia tried to jump bail and flee the country after her arrest (her source is the booking officer). She says only guilty people do that. She menacingly tells him to admit Letitia's a murderer. He looks sheepish, and we go to commercial. That gives him time to spin his next yarn.

Clark says he can clear it all up: She did have bail problems, but didn't try to flee. He says Letitia was put under house arrest, and started getting restless at some point. We flash back to Letitia walking a mastiff as Clark drives next to her and tells her she has to come back, because this is against her house arrest. She says she needs her walk, and she can't wait to see the Ferragamo fashion show next week. Police show up, of course, and arrest her again. Clark says it's moments like these where Nick really earns his money. Back at the house, Nick tells Letitia she can't leave the house again. She drinks a martini, which she says she's earned for being arrested for walking her dog. He asks her to just cooperate and stay in the house. He asks Clark if he understands. He does. Letitia throws a pillow and says she was looking forward to the fashion show. She feels like she's under arrest. Nick points out she is, and she says she knows, but now she feels that way. She asks for the phone number to the Ferragamo people. She's going to bring the fashion show to her, and invite all her friends.

As she plans the show, she gets all excited. She says Ferragamo's sending models and their spring collections, and she's invited 200 friends and their families. Karen says she'll try to make it. Models in underwear ask to change in Tripp's office. He tells them "no." That was just gratuitous underwear. As Letitia's getting ready, Brian breaks the news that only eleven of her friends came. He calls them "sycophant suckwads," and tells her he's sorry. Even the reporter almost feels sorry for her. Clark says, "Then don't run the story." But emphasis is on "almost." But Letitia didn't call off the fashion show. The family and Letitia's eleven friends watch the models. At the end of it, one of Letitia's "friends" stands up and tells her what a horrible person she is, with her unwholesome behavior, which has cast a shadow over all women of substance. She thinks Letitia should be ashamed. Letitia passes out on the runway. Tripp runs to her as we go to commercial.

Clark and our intrepid reporter are snacking on fruit. Clark says they rushed Letitia to the hospital, when Nola Lyons showed up to arrest Letitia for violating house arrest again. Nick says that her life was at stake, which is a justifiable reason to violate house arrest. Nola's skeptical since she's at a rejuvenation center. Nola pushes, and brings up the dog-walking, but Nick points out that since the Darlings own their entire block, she can walk up and down the block. And if she arrests her again, he'll have a mistrial declared. Rena thinks Clark has a convenient explanation for everything. She also tells him he's cute, but wonders what's up with the moustache. He'd rather stick to the article.

She asks where Juliet is. He claims "vacation" for the whole year, since she's chosen a life of leisure. Rena heard Tripp had her institutionalized. Clark caves and says Juliet's with a boy she met on vacation: His name's Kai. Clark says all the trouble started when Juliet decided to lose her virginity with Kai. We flash back to Juliet declaring tonight the night with Kai. She's waited 25 years for the right guy and the right moment. Back in the "present," Rena pauses her recorder to point out her skepticism that Juliet's a virgin. Clark asks if she wants to know what happened or not. She does. Back in the flashback, Juliet has "the girls" together to swap first-time stories. Karen's was in Central Park with Nick, but she promised not to tell where. Natalie says she did it with the pool boy at their house in Palm Springs. They had a thing all summer, which was very colonial. Karen loves that. Letitia isn't sure she wants to share, but Juliet talks her into it. So she admits it was her wedding night and was very sweet, and that's all she'll say. I think someone's lying.

Clark says Juliet went through with it with Kai. We see them post-sex. She asks how it was, and he says good. She gets him to say great. Then she says she feels like they just sang a song that no one's ever heard and they're the only ones who will ever know it. He thinks that's sweet, but then his phone rings and he has to go out for awhile. She freaks out, since they hadn't even finished cuddling yet. She gets all insecure that she might be doing something wrong, but he says it was perfect and he'll see her later. Later that day when Kai came back, Juliet grilled him on where he's been. She thinks he's been with another girl. She says keeping secrets isn't sexy and takes off. Juliet goes to her mother, and tells her what happened. Actually, she tells her she's not very good at sex and asks for advice. Letitia's advice: "Sex is like riding a horse." First you get to know it, then you love it, then you learn to jump it higher and higher, and you take wonderful adventures with it. But you have to become one with your house. Letitia advises practice, practice, practice. Juliet smiles and leaves.

Kai finds Juliet on the roof later and tells her he knows she's angry. He came to apologize. She says it's not enough, since he's keeping secrets. He says she's right and tells her what he was doing today. He's ready to trust her now. He lied to her the night they met, when he said his uncle was a fisherman. His uncle is actually "Jean-Pierre Desjardins, former president of the Coquilles Islands." She says "No way," but he's not kidding. But unfortunately, the prime minister led a coup d'etat, so he was meeting with a diplomat today who might help them. They kiss. So Juliet leaves with Kai to go help liberate the freedom fighters at the Coquilles Islands. She calls Jeremy to tell him goodbye (and so that he could get a brief moment in the episode). He tries to talk her into staying, but she won't. Rena wonders if Juliet will ever come back home, but Clark says that's classified for military reasons.

Speaking of classified, Rena's having a hard time getting her hands on a famously unaired interview of Patrick with Dan Rather. Clark says the network probably didn't run it because there was a better story. Rena says the network shelved it because Dan Rather asked Patrick uncomfortable questions about the night Ellen "accidentally died" in the fire. Rena wonders if he confessed to killing his wife in the interview. Commercials. Then we're back in the same place. Clark thinks Rena's ideas of the Darlings' power are crazy since they couldn't keep the lid on a taped murder confession. She says she'll run the story with his denial and possible involvement. Suddenly, he remembers the interview. It wasn't about Ellen's death, but about a book. He tosses a book called "Dreams of My Mother" with Patrick on the cover onto the table as we flash back.

The Darling family publicist approaches Patrick to tell him that his mother needs to be rescued because of that same book. He says he wrote it years ago. The publicist says he wrote about his mother's "passionate fury" in it, and that takes on a whole new meaning under the glare of murder choices. The publicist has interviews all lined up for him to spin it in a different way. He says he'll g

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Dirty Sexy Money

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