Brian is Nick's brother, Brian is Nick's brother, Brian is Nick's brother, Brian is Nick's brother, Brian is Nick's brother, Brian is Nick's brother, Brian is Nick's brother, Brian is Nick's brother. Did anything else happen this week? In other news, Brian is Nick's brother. This week on Dirty Sexy Lost, Letitia goes back to the future to six months ago, where we finally meet Dutch. His love for Tish has lasted for many years, at least until the moment she tells him that Nick isn't his only son, and Dutch gets super-mad. And, back in the present day, Brian gets nailed for trying to bribe the arbitrator, and gets hauled off to jail. When Tripp refuses to help his son because he's afraid of perverting the justice system, Tish pulls some strings behind the scenes, alerting Nick to the fact that something is amiss in the Darling family. And that something, in case you've forgotten, is that Tripp isn't Brian's dad and Brian is Nick's brother. In other news, Patrick -- still Tripp's son, so far as we know -- convalesces and stays doped up on morphine following Ellen's unfortunate "hunting" accident. Ellen tells him she's had a change of heart regarding Carmelita, and demands he cut it off with him/her immediately. Carmelita, already the victim of much "cutting off" in her life, offers to help Patrick simplify his life by removing herself from it, but Patrick tells her he doesn't want to be without her. Speaking of Patrick, Simon Elder shows up at the hospital to talk business but ends up getting busy with Karen instead. They go on a date under the guise of discussing charitable giving, but end up in bed together, because, well, this is Karen. And Jeremy's attempts to woo Sofia find him trying to convince her that he's super-poor, so he asks Lisa if he can use her apartment for a night. She tells him no, but he returns the next day and asks her to hook him up with some art so that Sofia will think that he's a cool starving artist and not a shiftless lazy dilettante. The latter of which he actually is! And Juliet shows up for five seconds saying something about jetlag, but it's during those periods that I ruminate instead on the fact that Jeremy and Lisa have almost exactly the same haircut.
Previously: Lots of stuff happened -- sometimes quite repetitively, but pretty much always amusingly -- and Djb rocked the house.
Brian and Nick emerge from an elevator, and as they quickly pedeconference, it's clear that they're in a courthouse on the way to the custody hearing, Nick telling Brian that these cases are seldom ruled in favor of the father. Brian: "Thanks! Never knew that." Heh. Nick has to add that they especially don't turn out so hot when the father forces the kid to pretend to be a Swedish orphan. Well, in all fairness to Brian, he would never have had to do that if he hadn't cheated on his wife. When they enter the courtroom, however, Nick is dismayed to find that the judge has already ruled in Andrea's favor, as the arbitrator -- who appears kind of smug -- blabbed about the bribery attempt. I have two questions here: One, what happened to that fat wad of cash? And two, given that the judge is Matt Parkman's dad, how did he get out of that shitty apartment? Brian gets hauled off in cuffs, but not before he bellows, "What are you gonna do about my son?" Start referring to him as his nephew, if I read the recaplet right.
Apparently after a night of the horizontal mambo, Sofia -- who may be playing Jeremy like an XBox but (a) seems a lot less like it after this episode, and (b) is far too annoying for me to care about one way or the other -- complains that they never get to go to his apartment, and the scene goes downhill from there as (a) Jeremy puts on his shirt, and (b) Sofia tells him there will be no more "pudding" until she gets to see his place. Where will Jeremy find an apartment that's (a) down-market enough to be believable as a valet's place, and (b) aesthetically pleasing enough to distract me from the use of "pudding" in that context?
Well, given the look on Jeremy's face when he realizes that badly-accented sex may be withheld, I'll give props for the subtle second layer of the establishing shot of an ambulance speeding by. In a hospital room, Ellen somewhat languidly asks Patrick where he is on a "pain chart" she's holding, and he tells her that he's at about a 3 with morphine, 8 or 9 if it wears off -- but, as he looks lovingly at the drug control mechanism in his hand, he adds, "We're not about to let that happen." He then is literally like, "So. You shot me in the leg." It's a bit more awkward that the standard discussion points of a married couple, I think, but no more so than "So. You have a transsexual mistress." Ellen does (somewhat breezily) apologize for that (the gunshot, not the mistress), but then sits on the bed and tells Patrick that they both know "[they]" can win the election, and that she's not going to let Patrick screw it up with his "childish indiscretions." So...she was trying to cut down on the potential scandal by shooting her husband. I'd ask her to pull the other one if I didn't think saying "pull" in her presence isn't the greatest idea. Long story short: she's not going to share Patrick, and if he doesn't want to deal with a campaign-killing divorce, he'll end things with Carmelita. Of course, this all forgets that Patrick claimed not to want to run in the first place, but then again, he's proven to have the backbone of a mollusk time and again, so I suppose it's consistent that he caves in two seconds flat here. Ellen kisses him, and out of frame, Patrick is hitting that morphine button like he's...well, Jeremy.
At the breakfast table, Nick is briefing Tripp and Letitia about Brian's "Class C" felony, which carries a minimum of a one-year suspended sentence and a maximum of ten years in prison. Poor Brian. Considering that he, in his own way, was looking out for the welfare of his son, it does seem unfair that he'd have to go to jail. Particularly since he'd suffer for the sins of past priests whose idea of looking out for boys' interests was a bit different. Tripp unemotionally asks for Nick's best guess, and Nick goes with one month in jail, maybe two. Letitia wonders whether they could pull some strings with the judge, but Tripp forcefully says the idea that that's okay is exactly what got Brian into this mess in the first place. Nick points out that it would also be illegal. He's got to do something to justify those millions with which he won't even hire a painter. Letitia wonders whether Patrick could do something, but Tripp thinks Pat's campaign is already so compromised that even a whiff of corruption could bring him down. Letitia stands and rounds on Tripp, saying that even after Patrick's denounced Tripp and gotten into bed with Elder, he still cares about Patrick more than Brian. One: "Thanks" for the image of Patrick and Elder in bed together, Letitia. Two: Duh. Tripp and Letitia have a barely-civil argument as Nick stands there all, "Is...this part of my duties, then?" Tripp says that Brian is in this pickle because he's filled with contempt, and he's probably not wrong, but...let's not forget that nice little scene Brian and Tripp had at the wedding, which was after Tripp found out about Brian's parentage, okay? I know it's convenient for this episode to paint Tripp as this Brian-hater, but I don't think that completely washes. In other words, I think Tripp is coming from a place of discipline rather than scorn. Anyway, Letitia asks what the point of their money and influence is if they can't help the children, but Tripp, some of the fire going from him, says that the money compels them to act impeccably. He...doesn't actually watch the show, then. His point is that if they subvert justice, it's the beginning of the end of them as a family, and that Brian should serve his time. Letitia's comments before she loses her temper altogether, however, make it pretty definite that Brian is the non-Darling of the family, and that idea has certainly been well-developed. Tripp then discusses a quick bit of business about a children's hospital with Nick before leaving, and then Nick asks Letitia whether there's something going on between her and Tripp. Way to be all over the ball, there, genius. Letitia hotly tells him to worry not about that but about keeping his brother...er, "Brian" out of jail: "If your father were alive, he'd know how to handle this." Ouch, Letitia, but in fairness to Nick, he is a little young for you. Letitia kicks Nick out so that she can have a flashback...
...to waiting on the roof for Dutch's helicopter to land. She looks lovingly as he alights while insisting that the pilot call him by his first name, in case we needed reminding of Dutch's Man Of The People status. He's played by Peter Strauss, who's been in a lot of stuff but with whom I'm unfamiliar. Anyway, Letitia gets all gigglingly girlish as they kiss, and it's kind of endearing but, in light of my Tripp-love, also a bit galling, and regardless, not especially discreet. And I'm not just talking about the help -- just about anyone in New York currently above two hundred feet should be able to catch their little makeout session. Letitia does say that she "snuck out" because she wanted to wish him a happy birthday in person. Hey, might as well sing him the song -- you're one of the only people in the world who can afford the rights.