Doctor Who
Bad Wolf (1)

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A | 1 USERS: A+
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Jack swishes a tennis racquet about in front of the mirror, finding his new ensemble too safe, too decent, and too hard to keep clean. What about the part where they were going to chainsaw off his face? "Stage Two ready and waiting!" Zu-zana shouts, and they Defabricate him again, so he can be naked for us some more. Trin-E pronounces that it's now "time for the face-off!" and Jack assumes, as did I, that he's now going to compete with somebody else, all Hot-Or-Not style, but no, it's just a pun. Needles and knives and Swiss Army Action of Death come out all over her hand, and the other one is all chainsaw again. And I've never seen the show, but I always kind of thought that was how this went. He's not entirely shocked by this stuff, but a bit scared. Zu-Zana says that he'd look good "with a dog's head," and snip-snaps her scissors hands. "Or maybe no head at all!" says Trin-E. "That would be so outrageous!" They go on and on describing more and more outre things that could be done to Jack, and he offers to shoot them. They say that he's unarmed, and then from the nowhere immediately behind him, he produces a small gun. "But that's a Compact Laser Deluxe!" the girls shout. "Where were you hiding that?" Just like bad stuff's never as bad as you think, the unarmed are never as helpless as you think. "You really don't wanna know," says Jack, and I keep trying to understand what this conversation means, but my brain keeps turning off, because my brain is a Puritan. I don't care where the gun came from, I'm just happy that Captain Jack won't die naked. He shoots their robot heads off even as they're ordering him to give up the "accessory."

Anne Droid blows away another weak link, and Rose asks Rodrick why he voted for this latest: "I want to keep you in! You're stupid! You don't even know the Princess Vossaheen's surname. When it comes to the final, I want to be up against you. So that you get disintegrated, and I get a stack-load of credits. Courtesy of the Bad Wolf Corporation." A voice announces solar interference for the next few minutes, which explains the paragraph following this one, which took me forever to work out. Rose thinks hard and has a bunch of flashbacks about previous episodes: "If the Bad Wolf is in charge of this quiz, then...maybe I'm not here by mistake. Someone's been planning this."

Big Brother is very unhappy with the destruction of house equipment. "The Doctor, you've broken House Rules." I love calling him "The Doctor" like it's his first name. The Doctor gets evicted, and runs to the door with a leap and a skip. Lynda worries for him, but Strood's murmuring that the Doctor's probably a plant brought in for drama. A voice tells the Doctor to leave the Big Brother house. The Doctor steps into the white room as Strood heads back to watch the eviction onscreen, but Lynda stays at the door, to keep the Doctor in her sights. When he's gone, shouting madly about getting himself disintegrated, Lynda shakes her head. Nothing at all happens to the Doctor, and our programmer friends on Floor 500 argue that he's going to die a mystery. Back in the white room, Big Brother counts down to eviction, but nothing happens. "Someone brought me into this game. If they'd wanted me dead, they could've transmatted me into a volcano," rants the Doctor, because he doesn't understand that he's talking about two different agencies there: the one that brought him there to die, and the one that saved him. And that they look terribly, horribly similar.

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