After the credits, we find Rose lying in a beam of light, waking slowly up. And whom does she see crouching beside her but the Marquis De Carabas, named Rodrick here, checking out her vitals and telling her, again, that the transmat does your head in: "Just remember,do what the Android says. Don't provoke it. The Android's word is law." This is a joke that doesn't work on paper as I'm relating it to you -- and, to be honest, works out just a bit better aloud. "Like a robot?" asks Rose. So I guess she's stupid again this week. I miss Rose. She was really great in "The End Of The World." Billie Piper is always the same amount of awesome in the role, don't get me wrong, but after "The Empty Child" the show's seemed almost irritated at having to include her, and her development has seemed tacked on as we get more and more into the Doctor's head. Which I guess is as it should be, given that the point of the companion is to make sense of the Doctor. But I like her, and I don't know whether I really want to see her screeching and getting rescued and fucking up timelines indefinitely, because it's like she's just peeking her head in. A producer's sharp voice calls everyone to positions, and as Rodrick helps Rose up, she babbles, beginning to sound worried: "I was travellin'. With the Doctor and a man called Captain Jack.... The Doctor wouldn't just leave me." Rodrick helps her get her bearings at her podium, which bears her name. Rose begins to realize that she's standing on the set of The Weakest Link. (Another U.S./UK note: our version did include Anne Robinson, and her whole deal, but Americans have a weirdly accepting relationship with critical and brutal Brits, because the accent goes to a harsh schoolmistress/movie villain place, which means even the biggest British bastard is still somewhat kittenish and adorable, or -- if that's just me -- at the least, that you would punch an American for saying the shit that will earn a Brit a dirty look at most.) Rose starts to exclaim about it when "the Android" is activated, and comes to life: it's the Anne Droid! Bottle of whiskey and notice from Child Services sold separately.
Into a white, sterile room, where blurry robot faces and voices slowly clear up. This is What Not To Wear, the British (i.e. acceptable) version. There's a Susannah Constantine robot called "Zu-Zana" and a Trinny Woodall robot called "Trin-E." If you need extra time to figure that one out, let me know. Bah, it's all in good fun, I shouldn't complain. They discuss how they've got their work cut out for them, though Jack (for it's Jack they'll be dressing) is "sort of handsome" and has a "good lantern jaw." I confess that when I first saw this part of this episode, I had no idea what this was supposed to represent, but I figured that, since it was Jack, it really didn't necessitate worrying about. "Lantern jaws are so last year," Trin-E responds. Jack introduces himself to the ladies and tries to figure out what's going on. They tell him that he's getting a "brand-new image," and his look of dismay and alarm at this is hilarious. Zu-Zana criticizes Jack's clothes: "It's all very twentieth century.... Where did you get that denim?" He says that it was a little place in Cardiff called the "Top Shop." I'm not here to tell you how to live your life, but: Cute. And creative. Zu-Zana calls his look a "design classic" -- he's wearing jeans and a white t-shirt -- but Trin-E leans more toward "Oklahoma Farm Boy." John Barrowman is so great, just a really complex actor, but, for a second, I wanna see what the Jack in Davies' head looks like. Like how Ron Moore always mispronounces "Kara," or my intuition that Mickey looked very different in the planning stages, I want see how Jack looked before Barrowman came on board. Jack gets all akimbo at them, and the ladies tell him to stand still for the "Defabricator," which Jack questions but quickly learns does "exactly what it says on the [box or can] tin." That means Jack is naked, which is a-okay with him and everybody else in the entire world. "Am I naked in front of millions of viewers?" Jack asks. Absolutely. He looks down at himself: "Ladies, your viewing figures just went up."