Doctor Who
Bad Wolf (1)

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Jacob Clifton: A | 1 USERS: A+
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Lynda, Strood, and Crosbie sit on the Big Brother couch awaiting the eponymous narrator. "Doctor," Lynda calls, "they said all the housemates must gather on the sofa. You've got to!" TV says, and we follow. The Doctor thanks her, but says that he's "busy getting out." She tells him that if he doesn't -- "obey" is the word she uses -- all the housemates will be punished, and being a normal sort of guy, he moseys over to the sofa. "Maybe I'll be voted out, then," he says, goggling at them. Strood calls him stupid, and hisses that the Doctor's not eligible since he just showed up. Demonstrating that she's got the Doctor basics down, Lynda tells him not to try anything clever. "Davina Droid" announces herself and the housemates all grab hands, Crosbie hanging onto the Doctor's, and again he rolls his eyes. Doing The Apprentice and watching Big Brother is fun because you can watch them going crazy and forgetting there's a world outside. There's a way in which their rhetoric about "sacrificing" themselves and throwing each other under busses is really real, because there's a level on which the house or whatever is reality. The prison they're inside, and the rest is just hazy. You forget that there's a whole world out there that's not your prison, so the "deaths" and betrayals become absolutely real. Davina Droid speaks: "Crosbie, Lynda, and Strood: you have all been nominated for eviction." They stress. "And the eighth person to be evicted from the Big Brother House is..." The Doctor continues to be quite clearly bored senseless. I don't think he has ever, ever sat still this long. In nine hundred years!

"...Crosbie!" The evictee gasps, and the three of them crawl all over each other like a box of puppies for sale, moaning and crying about how sorry they are and how much they love each other. The Doctor leans back and acts all ADD some more. Davina Droid announces to the group, "Crosbie, you have ten seconds to make your farewells, and then we're gonna get you!" See? That shit is creepy. All Julie does is say, "But first..." between each and every independent clause that comes out of her gorgeous face. Strood calls Crosbie a "smashing cook," but first, the evictee apologizes to Lynda for stealing her soap. The front door opens onto a tiny white anteroom with another door on the other side, but first Big Brother asks Crosbie to please leave the Big Brother House. Then they do another weird thing: Strood and Lynda hold their arms to make an archway for her to walk through. That's pretty cool. All we have like that is Tailhook. I imagine when the house is full it's a pretty interesting feeling to walk through that human arch. I bet you feel loved, or something. In the American version, there's a ritual when the eviction nominees are revealed, in which a box is revolved around the dinner table and the first person receives his housekey (like with the TARDIS, it means that you can stay), and then pulls out another key, which they hand to the person with the ritual phrase, "Strood. You are safe." That ritual is my favorite part of the whole show, because I like the words and the repetition of safety and hearth, but also because the person who puts the keys into the box determines the order, so you can point out people's secret alliances by making them tell each other they're safe, or make people sweat it out until the end, and that's like the most beautiful form of art to me.

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Doctor Who

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