Doctor Who

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: C | 3 USERS: D+
YOU GRADE IT
Eyes Wide Shut

How do we stop the Crack? Well, we can't. Not until the season finale when the Pandorica opens and Silence falls. Or I guess if this episode is anything to go by, you could just stick your fingers in your ears and go la-la-la whenever it is around, and it will be fooled. But first let's try a "big complicated spacetime event" which should shut it up for a while, like for example the Doctor. Or Weeping Angels. Just chuck 'em in there and it'll be fine. But make sure and have yet another huge fucking emotional showdown about how Doctor you can't sacrifice yourself because believe in the stars and adventure and never growing up and blah-blah-blah. But first, let's discuss this: "The Angels are scared and running. Right now they're not that interested in you. They'll assume you can see them, and their instincts will kick in. All you've got to do is walk like you can see. Just don't open your eyes. Walk like you can see."

I realize that is a tall order, because it's several stupid things at once. And I realize Amy's sense of self-preservation lies generally somewhere below the standard of her fellow strippers or even coke whores, but do you think you could just focus on this retarded idea long enough to get to the Primary Flight Deck? Which seems to be a few yards away on this tiny cheap little set? No? No, you cannot? You'd rather trip over a root and drop your walkie-talkie and start screaming out loud about how you're blind and so forth? Women. Can't live with 'em, can't expect them to be somehow blinded and yet also see where they are going, while walking with an air of confidence that screams "I am totally not blind right now! My closed eyes are wide open!"

I mean, I think I get it, from a writerly perspective. You're like, "People liked the Angels episode, and I have my own huge story about River Song to tell and really make my mark. What makes an Angels episode better? Oh, if there's lots more of them, totally. And Marines, they had those in Aliens. But what else? Hmm. What if instead of not blinking, you had to always be blinking? Like with your eyes shut? Reversatron! That would be kinda cool. And then, what's scary? Being alone in the forest in the dark. What if you had to have your eyes shut in the forest?" Which I will not deny is all very awesome. But then to pick this idea -- not even an idea, like the germinal seed of an idea -- by the scruff of the neck and drop it into a pot with the other fifty things? That's not how you grow a seed. It's just weird and embarrassing.

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Doctor Who

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