Doctor Who
Love & Monsters

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: B | 8 USERS: C+
I ♥ Doctor Who

Ursula grabs Victor's cane and shakes it at him; he cowers. She offers to beat the LINDA members out of him, and he simpers for a moment: "Look at me...I'm such a slow and clumsy beast. Please don't hit me.!" All she ever had was sympathy and touch, those were her gifts. Victor grabs Ursula and begins to absorb her as Elton stares. Skinner and Bridget scream; Elton lunges forward, yelling. Ursula begs him not to touch her. "Oh, Elton...I'm so sorry..." Pity is the Bad Wolf of the season. "...You can't touch me." Elton stares; Victor gloats: "Most likely to fight back, indeed!" Ursula slowly disappears into him, absorbed, as Elton shouts. Victor notes that Ursula tastes like chicken. Her face appears in the beast's chest: "Elton, where are you?" He begs Victor to give her back, and Victor is, to say the least, unsympathetic: "I can't. Once they've been absorbed, the process is irreversible." He sniggers, and Ursula realizes that her sympathy still comes in handy. "Now I've been absorbed, I can read his thoughts. Oh my God, Elton...You're next!" Um, duh? "Get out of here..." she warns, and Victor looks up at him. "Now you've seen him, he can't let you go," says Ursula. "Just run! Go on! Never mind me, get out!" Victor calls Ursula clever; I call her good. She screams for Elton to run; LINDA shouts at him as one. Victor leaps over the desk, roaring, and Elton finally runs.

Elton tears out of the doors and down the street, Victor hot on his trail. In addition to the stringy mohullet, he's wearing a black bikini. It's...pretty awful. The view is not, as they say, good. They reach a dead end, slamming into a closed gate, and Victor corners Elton, who kneels in defeat. "Ohh, what's the matter?" croons Victor. "Have you given up so soon?" Elton shakes his head: "There's no point. Where would I go? Everything I ever wanted has been absorbed." Elton, you douchebag. Ursula begs him to reconsider, but Victor invites Elton to join them all: "Everlasting peace. Come on. Join us. Dissolve into me..." He reaches out to Elton's head, the opposite of a blessing: he reaches out with fingers and hand, and Elton closes his eyes in surrender. Which is two things: reminding us of the choice, and reminding us of grace: it's not there when you want it, it's there when you need it. It's not magic and it's not prayer and it's not supplication; it's hard fact you can plant your feet in. Watch what happens next.

There's a holy sound, a breeze that takes them both by surprise. The TARDIS materializes right in front of them, and the Doctor steps out, looking less than happy. "Someone wants a word with you," he tells Elton, and Rose steps out behind him, murder in her eyes, advancing dangerously: "You upset my mum." Taken aback, Elton stares at her, finally indicating the seven-foot green alien about to devour him, which the Doctor and Rose have completely ignored: "...Great big absorbing creature from outer space, and you're having a go at me?" Rose dismisses this: "No one upsets my mum." Victor says a nasty hallelujah: "At last, the greatest feast of all. The Doctor." The Doctor considers the beast carefully: "Interesting. A sort of...Absorbatrix? Absorba...clon? Absorbaloff?" Victor nods at the last. Rose asks the Doctor quietly whether she's wrong in noting that he's a bit Slitheen. The Doctor politely asks Victor if he's by any chance from Raxacorricofallapatorius, and Victor fairly spits, insulted: "No! Not the swine! I spit on them! I was born on their twin planet." And the twin planet of Raxacorricofallapatorius? "Clom." The Doctor gives a great O RLY face: "Clom." Yes: "And I'll return there victorious, whilst I possess your traveling machine!" He points at the TARDIS, and the Doctor nearly laughs in his face. Skeptically: "Well, that's never gonna happen." Victor swears that he knows better: even the Doctor should back down from Victor's information. "You'll surrender yourself to me, Doctor, or this one dies. You see, I've read about you, Doctor. I've studied you: so passionate, so sweet. You wouldn't let an innocent man die." Rose looks up at the Doctor, amused. He scratches the back of his neck. "'Sweet'? Maybe. 'Passionate,' I suppose. But don't ever mistake that for nice." The Doctor tells Victor to do whatever he likes, and then waits, indifferent to Elton's fate. Rose glances up at him again, wondering if she's on the same page. Elton stares up, up, up. Rose is a codfish. But for a sec: imagine that much love. If the loud, crashing, bright scary thing that was coming to get you was God all along. And He was only coming to take you home. Whether you were done playing or not.

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Doctor Who




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