Doctor Who
Love & Monsters

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: B | 8 USERS: C+
YOU GRADE IT
I ♥ Doctor Who

Then, back at home, a whole page of unnecessary. Cut to Elton's home video again, where he's speaking very seriously: "Yet that wasn't the first time I met the Doctor -- and it certainly wasn't the last. Ohhh no. I just put that bit at the beginning because it's a brilliant opening." Twat. "But, erm...this is the story of me, and my encounters with alien life-forms. But be warned, because it is gonna get scarrrrry." Elton twats his big stupid face into the camera and bares his big stupid teeth and bugs his big stupid eyes. "I need a remote-control zoom," he says bashfully, explaining that he has to do the "scaaaary" thing through the power of leaning. Remote zoom. Manipulating the image without becoming a part of it -- without getting locked in. Staying fluid, staying timeless... Sorry. Not there yet. "But look, don't worry, because it's not just me sitting here talking, ohhhhh no." Shut up, shut up, shut up. What's worse than one Elton? Two of them. This one has kung-fu horrible voice power as well.

"That's Ursula on camera," he says, so we know he's jumped back in time -- edited, manipulated the image -- to some midpoint of the journey. "My good friend, Ursula Blake, and my brand-new camera." Her hand waves from behind the camera, first blurry and then clear, and Elton then points out his old house. Which is now inhabited by two women he describes as "a bit severe," which is why we won't see footage of the house just yet. "But that is where it all started. That's when I first met the Doctor." Inside that home. A very dark night, a child's perspective. "What was it...um, I must have been three or four years old. Middle of the night, went downstairs, and there was this...man." Elton looks up at the Doctor, who stares at him sadly. The image fades, and Elton stares up at the house. Up, up. "So what happened?" asks Moaning Myrtle, unleashing her instrument for the first of many, many, many, many times. "Elton, tell me. Why was he there?" Elton fugues out and wigs out and freaks out, waving his hands. Refusing to remember. She cuts at his insistence.

Back at home, in the now: "Okay, first things first. My name's Elton. Er, not to be confused with --" Quick cutesy cut to footage of You Fucking Guessed It. "I left school, got a job. Transport Manager, Rated Logistics, modest little haulage company. Perfectly normal life, and then...it all went mad." What went mad? Elton shops in the high street near Henrik's, and gets attacked by Autons of the Nestene Consciousness. But he survives. Elton is standing beneath Big Ben as he gets chopped down to size by a pig in a poke. But survives. Elton sleeps in on Christmas, gets his window blown in by the arrival of the Sycorax. But survives because he does not have A+ blood. Elton doesn't fucking have A+ anything.

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Doctor Who

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