Doctor Who
Planet Of The Dead

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: F | 5 USERS: C
YOU GRADE IT
Charmless In Abaddon

Instead, magical black lady gets all magical on his ass and explains that the wormhole is not a naturally occurring phenomenon, but whatever, and they stop talking about their impending deaths so they can have a whole long drawn-out thing about how magical black lady is magical, not in a huge way but in a like, "We win ten pounds every week in the lottery" way, and the Doctor figures out that, much like Kal-El under a yellow sun, this stupid planet has increased her magical blackness by some factor where now she can see how many fingers he's holding up behind his back. Also, "death" is coming, on the wind, and "shining."

At this news, all the interchangeables get interchangeably charged up and start screaming and yelling at each other, and one of them starts crying, and then the Doctor asks her where she was going, before the wormhole, and they talk about that and torture themselves with thoughts of home, but it's meant to be comforting. What it is, is beyond fucking annoying, and the music is like, "Aww," because these two-dimensional people already have the most obvious personalities so you already know where they're going. The white lady has a niece or some shit. The young white kid lost his job and wants to watch movies or eat snacks or something. "Telly" at his "flat" at the top of the "apples and pears" or whatever. Whatever sucks. The black kid has a girlfriend, or a potential girlfriend, and the ninja is on the run, and the magical black people like to eat lambchops.

It's violently stupid, all of it. So he tells them to just remember home and that he's going to get them home, et cetera, and once again it's hard to figure out how David Tennant is capable simultaneously of both bombast and complete disinterest. It's like he's eating the scenery, but wishes he had some salt or Worcestershire sauce or something. And angels sing in a choir and there's light and magical wonderment and they almost bust into applause right there. But just you wait.

UNIT arrives on the scene in London, and the nameless UNIT lady has a talk with the nameless shitty cop, and they both give their names, but fuck that, and he acts all insane and obsessive because that's his whole personality, and she acts all hardcore and professional and deadly, and her guys point their guns at the invisible wormhole, because that's UNIT's whole personality.

The first plan to get the bus moving is to put it on padding from the seats, "like duckboards," whatever that means, and whatever, Christina knows fucking everything and she's so fucking amazing and she pulls a folding shovel and a folding axe and a folding Maserati and a folding refrigerator full of folding fucking food and a folding living room with a folding cozy recliner or whatever out of her backpack because she's like Mary Poppins only even more remarkable, and then the Doctor realizes that the engine is all clogged with sand anyway, so he wanders away into the desert for... No reason whatsoever.

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Doctor Who

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