Doctor Who
Planet Of The Dead

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: F | 5 USERS: C
Charmless In Abaddon

While the interchangeable people work on the bus, the Doctor and Christina flirt or something. I don't know what you would call it. It's like a cockfight, if the point of a cockfight were for the roosters to fuck each other. Which, I've never seen a cockfight, so who knows, but my understanding is that the name is somewhat misleading. So they both throw their chests out and act like badasses and it's too embarrassing to even look at, and they say things like, "Let's just say we're two equal mysteries" and they talk about how they're quite a couple, whatever. I think that the point is that she would make a really great Companion, but he's too blinded by grief and bloody-mindedness to give in to the pressure and take her along. But it's hard to see that point because she's so fucking awful that its brightness eclipses all rational thought.

They discuss the wormhole and whatnot, and she introduces herself ("To be precise, Lady Christina de Souza"), and he makes the comparison that he's also a Lord of some sort, "quite a big estate," actually, and she's like, "Also, you're an alien obviously," but he changes the subject, and yells "Allons-y!" and she chatters back in French, because of course she fucking does, and there's an oncoming storm on the horizon that will rip everybody to shreds if it's a sandstorm. Which why would it be, the Doctor asks, forgetting that they are on a PLANET MADE OF SAND, which is just again lazy writing, because he's only saying that because it's not, obviously, sand.

They go back to the bus, where magical black lady is being magical, and the Doctor sonics his cell phone and calls UNIT, well, first he calls Geronimo's Pizza by accident, which is what passes for humor right now in this bullshit, and then he calls UNIT, and they hand the phone over to the mean UNIT lady, Erisa, who salutes over the phone even though he can't see it, and he makes a fuss about that as usual, and they talk about how he's stuck on the desert planet with some irritating people, and coincidentally she's on the other side of the wormhole with some even more irritating people, namely a Dr. Malcolm Taylor, who is one of those geniuses who could be really attractive if he would just cut it the fuck out. But no.

So she puts the phone on speaker, and Malcolm gets ten kinds of gay on the Doctor (calling him, think about this, "the Doctor-Doctor") and Erisa is like, "We all want to meet him one day. But we all know what that day will bring," which is also sort of notable, and the Doctor enjoys the feeling of Malcolm crawling all over him like a long-distance jungle gym for awhile before getting back to the topic, which is... Science of some kind, there's a wormhole and a storm and an unmoving bus and a bunch of shitty civilians, so what can we do. Well, first we need to talk about how Malcolm invented a unit of measurement called the malcolm, which is one one-hundredth of a bernard, which is named after Quatermass, which is a failed joke in the opposite way of the other failed jokes in this episode, which is all this episode essentially is, and the interesting thing of this scene is that, and normally I would make much of this but the episode is so shitty that I'm not inclined to reward it with any amount of effort at all, Malcolm can see and measure the wormhole because he's set his scanner to detect what it can't detect, then reversed the image, creating an image of what you can't see. Which is a gem.

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Doctor Who




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