Doctor Who
Planet Of The Dead

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: F | 5 USERS: C
YOU GRADE IT
Charmless In Abaddon

What's so frustrating is that important shit happens in this story -- for example, Lady Christina says aloud what I think will be the key phrase to the entire 2009 series of specials -- but we can't talk about that yet, because I always get yelled at for using my intuition to figure that stuff out without saying SPOILER WARNING, even though it's not actually a spoiler, just putting things together a child could figure out, so let's just say this episode will be, I think, much more important, but no less shitty, in retrospect.

Meanwhile the interchangeable people have run down the bus's engine trying to make it start, despite knowing that it won't start. The Doctor ignores their panicked calls so they can look at a hologram of the things making up the storm, which are basically these huge metal manta rays that look unsurprisingly like Pitch Black monsters, and the Doctor and Christina figure out that they are able to traverse the wormholes because they are made of metal, and that presumably they want to use the wormhole now to get to Earth and turn it into sand. The Doctor unconvincingly talks himself into figuring out -- get this -- that the beasts can fly so fast around and around a planet that they create the wormholes, or some such nonsense.

The Doctor and Christina agree that they only feel completely alive when things are super shitty, and they crush irritatingly on each other for awhile and then run back to the bus, toward which the monsters are also swarming, and where the one psychic lady is being psychic. "The girl," she says inconsequentially, "She will fly." If you're thinking she means in the mouth of a horrible manta ray, I'd uncross those fingers now. Christina explains irritatingly that the Doctor's missing the point, which is that there's some other reason than the beasties that the Tritovores crashed, because it wasn't a wormhole that did it to them. The Doctor discusses this with the flies, and figures out that they have some kind of a crystal setup that makes things fly, so they run around like lunatics and -- in case you thought there was some kind of second level on which anybody associated with this episode had an ounce of dignity -- explains that they can drive the bus using this crystal, "in a super-clever outer-spacey way."

They run around the ship for awhile, and Christina finally decides to use her ninja powers to get this crystal from their engine room, crowing, "The aristocracy survives for a reason!" and once again trumpeting her readiness for all contingencies. So the whole time she's clipping herself into her apparatus and putting her hair back, the Doctor's babbling, and he finally figures out what she's doing, and stresses because she's going to electrocute herself on their security grid -- emphasis on cute! -- so he sonics her wire, and she deactivates the security thing with a big shiny red button, and once she's hanging over the crystal, they realize that at least one of the beasts is sleeping in the engine room, so there's a seat-of-the-pants moment where it seems like the monster will eat her, bless him, but she gets pulled back up at the last second and electrocutes the thing in the security grid as she's being hauled back.

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Doctor Who

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