MONDO EXTRAS

He doesn't turn people into things. That's a misconception. He doesn't change you. He doesn't make you stronger, or better, or smarter, or faster. He doesn't make you kinder, or make you love yourself more, or believe in yourself more. He doesn't give you anything you don't already have. He can inspire, and he can love, but nobody on this earth can change you. Nobody ever made you greater, and nobody ever made you crawl. Martha knew that: knew she was a soldier because she was a soldier. But it hurt to see him say it, because he'd been the one to inspire her. She was saving the world. I think the more he fought it, the more he complained about the guns and the salutes and the armies and the battles, the prouder she should be.

Guy's clinging to the roof of a house, and the flood is rising. He prays, he lifts his voice up to God in song. And a helicopter comes by, and the guy says, "No, it's cool. God's got me covered." And the water's rising, and pretty soon the guys with the boats are floating by, at eye level. He's got himself curled around the chimney, praying his ass off. And one of the boats stops, grabs a branch from the live oak in what used to be his backyard, and tells him to hustle. But at this point, it would be kind of rude, right, to get in the boat? Wouldn't that be like standing God up? So they roll their eyes, and float away. He gets smaller and smaller, in the distance, on the top of his little house, until they can't see him at all. And he keeps waiting. Hoping. And this big strapping superhero with delts to spare and an ass Midshipman Frame would be proud of arrives, touches down ever so lightly under a yellow sun. And the guy, he's tempted. Because this is it, Earl. This is his last chance. But God's got him covered.

And when the guy ends up in heaven, the first thing God does is slap the everloving shit out of him.

It's not a joke. Your only duty in this lifetime is to be magnificent. Or, as John Green (possibly the most charming man in the world but definitely the best YA writer) would say: "Don't Forget To Be Awesome." That's not God's problem. And it's certainly not the Doctor's. Any second you let go by without being awesome is a second you've wasted, and you can't ever get it back.

So where's she gone, then? Where's that girl?