Doctor Who

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: F | 6 USERS: C+
Starwhales Should Be Afraid Of Their People

At some point in the identical cheap sets that they keep tromping through again and again like they're going somewhere and not just playing Scooby Doo with that same vase flashing by, Amy points out the interesting but apparently heretofore discountable fact that previously, there was a huge fucking hole in the ground and there was a giant tentacle poking up and trying to grab her and waving around and being generally surprising. Liz 10 is sort of surprised, but cockface Doctor is like, "Duh, that's totally what we're here for, because this monster is invading all the whatever of this ship and it's like tree roots but with tentacles" and whatever nonsense that nobody could possibly know. Liz and Doc get very angry because somebody is feeding some bodies to it, and they continue to mosey down those same identical halls but like slightly faster.

Amy has some memories about how she specifically told herself not to do this, but then she does. The Doctor is sex on a stick so it's easy to blow off. Then they go to Liz's stupid place with a million water glasses -- Winders initiating all sorts of needlessly portentous protocols as they watch on video -- and how come she has all these water glasses? How much more would I respect it if she just said, "Lends a certain air to the place," but instead she gays it up about how "every single day" her "government" is up to something, and for some reason she can't fucking work it out and deal with it. I don't blame her. There's literally no reason for the Smilers, or the Winders, or the "vators" or the tentacles or anything, beyond "this might be kickass" -ness, so I can see why the Queen would be a bit bewildered.

"A queen going undercover to investigate her own kingdom?" the Doctor explains to us morons, and all of a sudden there's a whole other meaningless metaphor and pointlessly discarded concept. She bitches about how she's been fighting the power -- which is her -- by not fighting the power -- which is also her -- for ten years, and yet here comes the white male Doctor and isn't he something. There's some bullcrap about how she's older than she looks, because somebody -- Who? Why? -- stopped her aging at some random age or was it some other age, point being she's got this mask, from the first scene where she... Had a mask. So now it means something. Like the water glasses. Liz is like, what's the big deal with my mask? "So what?" And the fucking Doctor goes, "Oh, Liz. So everything."

Because see how it makes things awesome one day, if you're needlessly obfuscatory and jackassy now? It's like foreshadowing, only the shadow comes first causally, and doesn't necessitate or necessarily imply the fore in any way except as pointless manipulation toward a pointless end. "Oh, everybody. So everything." ...Which I won't tell you, or do more than vaguely hint at, because then this shitty episode would be five minutes long.

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Doctor Who




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