Doctor Who

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: F | 4 USERS: C+
YOU GRADE IT
Starwhales Should Be Afraid Of Their People

"If you are watching this... If I am watching this, then I have found my way to the Tower Of London. 'The creature you are looking at is called a Starwhale [what?!]. Once, there were millions of them. They lived in the depths of space and, according to legend, guided the early space travelers through the asteroid belts. This one, as far as we are aware, is the last of its kind. And what we have done to it breaks my heart. The Earth was burning. Our sun had turned on us, and every other nation had fled to the skies. Our children screamed as the skies grew hotter. And then it came, like a miracle. The last of the starwhales. We trapped it. We built our ship around it, and we rode on its back to safety. If you wish our voyage to continue, then you must press the Forget button. Be again the heart of this nation, untainted. If not, press the other button. Your reign will end, the Starwhale [for real!] will be released, and our ship will disintegrate. I hope I keep the strength to make the right decision."

Everybody wonders why they voted for that, because none of them remember it, although it is obvious in every way. Amy particularly is weirded out, so much so that the Doctor has to explain her own personal shit to her. And wouldn't you know, it's all about him: "Because you knew if we stayed here, I'd be faced with an impossible choice. Humanity or the alien. You took it upon yourself to save me from that. And that was wrong. You don't ever decide what I need to know." He gives her fifty million demerits and his adorable face gets all scrunchy and when he threatens to take her home in a sec maybe you think maybe her amazing adventure is going to end with this one bullshitty poorly written episode. And then you remember it's not, because what about how she's fucked in the head, and that stupid Crack In Things pretending it's a storyline even when it's literally nothing more than an image drawn onto the last five minutes of every episode to make you think there's a cohesive moment sneakin' up on you eventually, so it's fine.

"Because I made a mistake? One mistake? I don't even remember doing it. Doctor!" He's like yeah, you're human, you're only human, and thus sets up a fake me/them that doesn't actually exist, so Amy can fix it in a second. And then fix and fix and fix it until you're so bored by his love of humanity that you kind of wish he would turn on Us. So he gives this big stupid going-nowhere speech about how THIS TIME and only THIS TIME he is faced with an IMPOSSIBLE CHOICE between euthanizing/murdering the Spacewhale, and NOT DOING SO, but either way it is going to RIP HIM TO THE CORE because if he isn't a protector of innocent pieces of meat on loan from Torchwood episodes long past that scream when you point at them, then what is he? Humanity can suck it, because they are being mean to this thing, even though they don't even know they're doing it, because they keep forgetting it, and isn't that so fucking human, or something, so once he makes this INTENSE CHOICE how can he ever, EVER, call himself the Doctor again, when he's...

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Doctor Who

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