Doctor Who

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: F | 5 USERS: C
YOU GRADE IT
Starwhales Should Be Afraid Of Their People

If this were a real story, we would say that the people passing by the little girl are thematically representative of the people of the Starship UK as a whole. Except in this metaphor, the little girl is also representative of humanity itself -- the thing the STARWHALE!, who also represents the Doctor, cannot help saving -- which means the little girl is not just the STARWHALE!, in the first metaphor, but also humanity in the second, and in the big sweeping metaphor that we get at the end of the episode, Amelia Pond, because the Doctor is the STARWHALE! and Amelia Pond was one of the human crying children that we, and not-a-stripper Amy, have left behind. This is bad writing, because it establishes no objective correlative for any of this and just makes everything a metaphor for everything else in the attempt to seem valid.

It's also angry writing -- wherein Eleven's plaintive "don't grow up!" becomes an angry imperative: "Do not grow up. You become worthless at that time" -- Which for me is the bigger problem, because it's not something we've been faced with, last four years, beyond every now and then, because we were dealing with a person who didn't find that puling mewing child-worshipping return-to-retard state, with the golden apples and the unicorns and effin Enya playing, worth returning to.

"The Empty Child"/"The Doctor Dances" -- Little kids who you think are nasty or scary, plus a plucky kid who isn't, turns out they are the children or parent of each other, so stop whining, and meanwhile you got Captain Jack and the Blitz and all kind of concepts happening all over and the Doctor going whaa? and then some meaningful shit happens and it's amazing.

"The Girl in the Fireplace" -- Famous figure has a problem with French robots that look amazing, followed by some unprecedented fucking with the Doctor, and him dealing, and her husband, and they are friends, and huge surprise. "Blink" same deal, people we'll never see again, with a really neat idea and that's it. "Silence in the Library"/"Forest of the Dead" are less than that, just fifty billion ideas and a nod to the season arc and that is it. And now, what. You're going to give us this bullshit? Way to earn your paycheck. This isn't a jump at excellence and inevitable-but-sad near miss at excellence. This is "They' hand'e me the bloody franchise and praised me bullshit stories, so that must be what they want. A cartoon pint-be-numbers 'cracks in this n that' arc or wha'e'er,' a bit of the Companion bein' muir facked up thern usual, a bert a' tha dr bein this a that wun he means thus er tha."

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Doctor Who

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