Doctor Who

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: B- | 7 USERS: A
YOU GRADE IT
Joe Le Taxi

Which is fine? Except the only reason he's acting like this is for the emotionally manipulative, dorky moment when we get the punchline to why he demanded the phone, or why he needs a laptop, or who he is, or why we only have twenty minutes, and the whole episode is like that: People acting woefully annoying in order to set up jokes and cynical "WOW!" moments later, and it's obnoxious, because if you could tell a story properly you wouldn't be constantly having to hit us over the head with how amazing and magical every fucking thing is: They would just be amazing. All on their own.

"Your friend, what was his name? Not him, the good-looking one." Rory's offended, and even more offended when he realizes they're talking about Jeff, and the Doctor only remembers him and his hotness because he needs a laptop for whatever reason, so he sends still-confused Rory and up-for-anything Amy off to evacuate the hospital so he can go hit on Jeff some more.

Jeff's busy masturbating when the Doctor gets to Gran's house, so there's a bit of urban fervor before the Doctor can seize his computer and babble some more. "The sun's gone wibbly, so right now, somewhere, there's going to be a big video conference call. All the experts in the world panicking at once, and do you know what they need? Me. Ah, and here they all are. All the big boys. NASA, Jodrell Bank, Tokyo Space Centre, Patrick Moore..." He offers to introduce Gran to this last, who is apparently "a devil" with the ladies, and then decides to annoy the global security community at large.

"I know, you should switch me off. But before you do, watch this! Fermat's Theorem. The proof, and I mean the real one, never seen before. Poor old Fermat, got killed in a duel before he could write it down. My fault, I slept in. Oh, and here's an oldie but a goodie: Why electrons have mass! And a personal favorite of mine, faster-than-light travel, with two diagrams and a joke! Look at your screens: Whoever I am, I'm a genius."

If you're the sort of person who enjoys it when fictional people tell you how freakin' awesome they are, then you are going to love this season of Doctor Who. (Or should I say, "Basically... It rocks!") But if you find that sort of thing flesh-crawlingly dorky, then I would suggest you avert your eyes if, at any point, the Doctor starts talking. And I'm not being unsympathetic, because I completely understand why geeks find this construction funny ("a, b, c...n, so basically x," where a through n, inclusive, are bullet points in a list and x is an unexpected summation, either comically understated or grammatically surprising, or sarcastic in some way), because it's how their brains work. It's why Monty Python and puns are funny: The subversion of expected outcomes into absurdity. But for the rest of us it's a horribly embarrassing rhetorical theme, and worst of all it's a tic: The Doctor's already done it twice in this episode and I left it out because I don't approve.

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Doctor Who

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