You know what's sexy? The Doctor being all Oh Bondage Up Yours when it comes to the authority type figures. You know what lessens the effect? Pairing him with Ida, a woman delightful in most ways, but lacking in her ability to be Rose Tyler. Who in turn rocks out beyond the telling of it, quite awesomely, without needing her Doctor at all. I don't want that to work better than otherwise, but to be honest: in something like 8 of 9 cases this season, it's been the case. Which personally I think is the point, but what do I know? Nothing. So anyway, the Doctor's down in The Actual Pit Of Satan with Ida, whilst Rose is up in the Actual Rocketship Of Satan With Actual Satan And The Satan-Possessed Slave Race Of Actual Satan. And if you think about it, that's rather bleak. They both kind of give up on -- while simultaneously not giving up on -- each other. Rose figures out the retardedly obvious fact that she's a bad-ass regardless of being enDoctored, the Doctor himself gets even more confused about the total lack of needing a Companion he's got going, and they both somehow muddle through, just as people have been doing for hundreds of thousands of years lacking both Doctors and Companions. And still the main characters of the show don't get it. They rock out regardless: Rose flies away from the Impossible Planet in a rocketship with the Devil Incarnate, while the Doctor chats UNENDINGLY with the Devil Indevilnate. Conversations ensue and ensue and ensue. Both of them eventually come to the same conclusion: the Devil is so fucking useless. Basically, all the Devil -- who cannot shut the hell up for anything, leading Tennant into some cringingly horrible green-screen yelling on the level of Zod and the level acting best of the goddamn Phantom Zone -- really wants to do is tell us some hideous things about some people that they already knew, and mostly wouldn't be a problem if they had any balls whatsoever to begin with. To wit: Toby's a virgin (duh), Jefferson and Zach are whatever, Ida's this, Scooti was that. In the end, some self-confidence and a good helping of denial get everybody through it, and nobody learns anything. On their side of the screen, I mean: What we learn is that Rose is going to die. In battle. Sometime soon.
Welcome back to Hell, where a bunch of stuff already happened. The main thing was that the Ood grabbed Danny/Gaiman by the face, and did him right. Also, Zach was like, "Oh no!," and Toby was like, "Got writing on me!," and the Pit of Satan opened. Episode by Matt Jones, cutie that he is. So the Ood advance toward Jefferson, Rose, and the other crew member, and Jefferson's like, "Open fire!" And everybody shoots, and Rose cowers like a little fool. Like this isn't her time to shine. Up in the control room, Zach says that it's cool, just as the overhead shutters close up tight: "We've got orbit." Rose steps right the fuck over the dead bodies of the Ood, and grabs the mic again, because there's one person who actually matters: "Doctor?" Static, no reply. "Doctor, can you hear me? Doctor? Ida? Are you there?"
Jefferson and the guard with him spin round and act all intense, but it's only Danny, the dude who looks like Neil Gaiman, who's all helpful: "But they're coming!" He lets them know it's the Ood, and that they've gone mad, which duh, but gives a number, which is fifty. There are fifty Ood on base, and they've all gone devil-y. Jefferson acts hardcore as more Ood come closer, and Danny ventures that it's them, using the interface "as a weapon," which is something you and I have been assured of since the very first episode of this show and every week since. Clearly, we've not all been watching the show: they force the door open; one of the Ood shoves a moon globe on a guard's head, and she goes down. Jefferson opens fire.
Zach closes the door from the control room, and runs toward a door through which the Ood are coming; then he backs the fuck up. The computer is quite helpful about the opening and the closing of doors, but it's only telling you the information, not what's really happening. Zach, the reluctant Captain, gets stuck in control, without the rest of his crew. Five thousand years of dialogue make this clear. (And yes, I realize the irony of calling him on this.) Zach's got a bolt gun with exactly one bolt in it, so you'll excuse me if I don't laugh heartily about the irony. It only gets worse from here, and I take this episode quite seriously. Jefferson, who's the head security guy, recommends "Strategy Nine," and Zach sadly agrees, given that everybody's "together." See what he did there? The first person, the first outside-but-not-quite person, the first on-crew-but-not-quite person, is Rose. And she is absolutely out of her face. "I can't get any reply, just...nothing. I keep trying, but it's..." The Doctor's voice comes in and out. "No! Sorry, I'm fine. Still here!" So it's like the last week didn't happen. Funny how that happens. Rose says thanks, but calls him a...