Doctor Who
The Unquiet Dead

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: C+ | 4 USERS: A-
Zombie Grandma Is Way Cooler Than All Other Zombies

In the viewing room, previously the scene of such thrilling moments as "Dead Grandma's Got the Upper-Body Strength" and "Redpath's Not Long For This Coil," Rose is wigging due to on-the-go Redpath. She is not one for noticing things right away, but I've said that before. Redpath makes zombie noises and Rose immediately thinks he's joking, because that's what she's always thinking. I wonder if, ten episodes from now, Rose is going to be like, "Still an elaborate joke, right?" Redpath climbs out of his coffin and starts toward her, and she gets kind of desperate, trying to convince the total zombie that he's just kidding. He's not. She makes for the door. Which, again, she should know by now, is locked.

The Doctor pushes into the foyer and listens to the walls, Gwyneth bitching all the way. "There's something inside the walls," he says. "The gas pipes. Something's living inside the gas."

Inside, Grandma moseys toward Rose as well, and Rose starts tossing stuff at her and Redpath, shouting out to the Doctor or whoever might be there. Dickens runs in after Rose's voice, and Gwyneth closes her eyes, like, "There goes my bonus." Which is probably, like, some dusty pieces of lace and a few extra pieces of coal. "I won't beat you senseless for a week," maybe. I don't like that Sneed fella. The Doctor charges past the suddenly-appearing Sneed to Rose's redoubled screams, and Dickens shakes a finger at Gwyneth, hilariously. The quartet scrambles toward the door... the incredibly-slow get...closer. They're like Nicole Kidman in Eyes Wide Shut. In, like, every way. Redpath finally grabs Rose by the mouth, because zombies hate screaming pop stars more than anything except Bruce Campbell. The Doctor kicks the door in. What would happen if the Doctor were -- rather than just amazingly on time -- a bit early, one time? These scrapes sure do get scrapy. He gets Rose away from poor old Redpath, and Dickens does the Skeptic Shuffle: "It's a prank? It must be, we're under some mesmeric influence." I tried that on my mom once. Word to the children: moms don't believe in mass hysteria, like, ever. "No, we're not," intones the Doctor seriously. "The dead are walking." He then grins down at Rose maniacally and says, "Hi!" Awww. Like she just got back from the shops. "Who's your friend?" she asks. Her polite smile at the news that it's Charles Dickens is hilarious and endearing: "Oh. Okay." The Doctor politely introduces himself to the zombies, as is his general wont unless they kill his deciduous girlfriends, and they talk totally, totally creepy, all in one voice: "We're failing. Open the Rift, we're dying. Trapped in this form -- cannot sustain -- help us." See, if these were ghosts, I'd be like, "That's a Y.P., dude," because of course that's what dead people should do: move along. I don't traffic in homeless spirits, because generally they smell terrible. Then it's horrible as Redpath and the Grandmother raise their heads and eyeballs up, up, and shoot screaming blue light all over the place and then fall back down dead. Rose and the Doctor watch how freaky it is.

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