Doctor Who
Tooth And Claw

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: B | 2 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
The Breaking Of Albion

Rose and the Doctor have hitched a lift back to the TARDIS on the back of a farmer's humble cart. They hop off, and the Doctor thanks him; they wave. "You know," the Doctor TARDISodes at Rose, "the funny thing is, Queen Victoria did actually suffer a mutation of the blood. It's historical record: hemophiliac. It used to be called the Royal Disease. But it's always been a mystery because she didn't inherit it: her mum didn't have it, her dad didn't have it. It came from nowhere!" So it was a bite from the Wolf, Rose asks. "Maybe hemophilia is just a Victorian euphemism," says the Doctor. "For werewolf?" Or maybe "werewolf" is just a Doctor euphemism, for the simple truth that everything ends, because he can't see the Wolf for what it is: the end of all beauty, which always ends. "Queen Victoria's a werewolf?" Could be. Her kids all had the Royal Disease. "Maybe she gave them a quick nip," he suggests. ("For merit lives from man to man, and not from man, O Lord, to thee." We're all alone down here. This is our world.) Maybe it spread though, down into Parliament, into Maggie and Cool Tony, into Bush and anyone who ever thought you could divide a raindrop into its constituent parts and say, "This is not my world," and think the other worlds don't matter. (Victoria banished her body and yours and mine, and we're still reaping the consequences of that. At least Elizabeth kept her shit on her side of the line. At least she was faking.) Maybe it could take two hundred years to manifest. Maybe 9/11 looks different to everybody, give or take two hundred years or more. Maybe Harriet wasn't as right as I thought.

"So, the royal family are werewolves?" The Doctor proves me right, surmising that it wouldn't mature until, possibly, the early twenty-first century. Rose calls bullshit, but then remembers Princess Anne. Are we still making fun of her? I like her. Gay dudes hate women of sport! It's a hate crime! "And if you think about it," says Rose, "they're very private. They plan everything in advance." Which the Queen already admitted, of course, at the beginning of the episode. "They could schedule themselves around the moon, we'd never know!" Rose and the Doctor giggle some more. The entire A+ Werewolf Royal Family watches them -- because everybody watches this show -- and tries not to fucking barf. "Stop being fake cute and start being actually cute!" they scream. To no avail: "They like hunting! They love blood sports!" screams Rose as they bundle into the TARDIS, giggling still, completely unaware of what they've done in bringing Victoria so close to her heartbreak. "Oh my God, they're werewolves!" shouts Rose as they VWORP away; they howl together as we watch the heath. It is actually cute.

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