Doctor Who
Tooth And Claw

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: B | 2 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
The Breaking Of Albion

All propers to RTD for trying to fulfill the ninjas/werewolves mandate, and again -- very pretty to look at -- but on the other hand, we are talking about the intense public need to see a story combining Queen Victoria, werewolves, and ninjas. Sounds very exciting on paper, I will grant -- and personally for me, all you need add is Ethan Suplee or Sarah Paulson for a home run -- but is not actually that interesting to watch. There's a lot to love in the episode, don't get me wrong, because every single episode tells the same story and this one is more elegant than a lot of the others in the season, but...Queen Victoria. Ninjas. Werewolves. On a piece of paper, ("Cats, who are nuns. Who are nurses! What's more bad-ass than those things?"), handed to a BBC executive, who says, "If this doesn't go off without a hitch, I'll have your balls." Is somebody really going to lose his job if that doesn't come to pass? After the entire Matrix trilogy happens, and everybody gets mad about the sequels and how disappointing it was that the story came to its logical (Gnostic!) endpoint, and then expects Star Wars to make sense, and then takes the time to write me a vicious and confusing email about how Shakespeare and Tennyson are somehow 100% as "nerdy" as this show, the monks run all over the house knocking people out, including the lord of the manor.

(Which, I'm actually really bummed if the "I don't write for nerds" recap bothered you, because here's the thing: I was talking about the fringe, specifically not you, and the proof of that is that you got to freakin' page 12. So calm down and remember Groucho, and don't try and join clubs that you're better than: I don't expect you to take offense if I talk shit about nerds, because I'm not talking about the good kind. Not every word on the internet is intended to hack you personally off, and I think you'll find that almost none of it means you personally, and also that I love you very much, and you are so pretty right now. I fully admitted that the IV-bag conclusion was stupid, but also that it didn't matter for the same reason that this episode is the same as the other twelve, because this is one story told through thirteen mirrors, and that's awesome. Don't go looking for a fight, if you wanna be happy -- although just in case, I'd avoid the "Love & Monsters" recap in a couple months, and I tell you this as a friend -- or, as my friend Ali's third-graders used to say, "Don't start none, won't be none.")

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