Doctor Who

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: C | 6 USERS: A
YOU GRADE IT
K.B.O.

On what gaywad planet is this possibly true? "Brilliant! Embrace it! That means you're alive! They cannot explode that bomb! You're a human being! You are flesh and blood! They cannot explode that bomb! Believe it! You are Professor Edwin Bracewell! And you, my friend, are a human being!"

To this bullshit's credit, it doesn't work. But only because the great and powerful God of Heteronormativity -- whereby everybody who talks to each other is oooo-oooo-oooo dating and any woman who expresses any kind of power must be your henpecking wife and any woman who wears a skirt above the knee is a dirty whore -- is here to giggle and point and make sure everybody knows getting married and falling in luuuuuuuuuuuv is as good as it gets, so Amy's like, "You were in love with somebody! Like I'm flirting with being in love with the Doctor, who I knew when I was a little girl, which is totally gross! What was her name? Boys like girls or they don't mean anything at all! What was her name?"

Her name was Dorabella, of course. Even the Doctor thinks that's lame. And what was this Dorabella, whom somebody else loved but is now the key to this entire story, like Mario's Princess always in another castle? I cannot wait to care. I'm sure it'll be really inventive. Major bonus points if he brings in the color of her eyes, this Dorabella, because that's never happened before.

"Such a smile. And her eyes... Her eyes were so blue... Almost violet. Like the last touch of sunset on the edge of the world... Dorabella..."

Bingo bonus! And you know what? It works. "Welcome to the human race," the Doctor says, and "Whew!" says the pointless cardboard cutout of Winston Churchill, and "Heck yeah" says whoever's still watching this crap, and the Daleks are all, "You will never defeat us, Doctor! We will return!" As if we had a doubt. And the Doctor, even though we've now had this conversation three times and we already know this, goes into a fucking tailspin about "No, no, no! They can't! They can't have got away from me again!" Bracewell assures him that they're gone, and Amy's like, "What's your damage?" His damage is that we need to get some more fucking blood out of this stone. That's all. No other reason.

"I had a choice. And they knew I'd choose the Earth. The Daleks have won. They beat me. They've won."

Got it. Dunzo. You literally cannot make that clearer at this point. So then Churchill literally hands him a cigar, and Amy and the PM makes grin-faces at each other for the completely pointless, bloodless, emotionless time they spent with the two-dimensional representations of each other that filled up this nonsense episode, and Winnie's like, "I still have a war to run, Miss Pond" and some guy runs up and says a bunch of shit about St. Paul's and Piccadilly Circus and Old Bailey and whatever else, and that random lady from earlier in the episode bursts into tears out of nowhere and Churchill explains also out of nowhere that it's because her boyfriend died -- See, wars have casualties! So meaningful! -- and then we still have one or three more godawful cutesy scenes to go.

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Doctor Who

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